Agoraphobic dating

When I was unable to leave the house consistently there was no way i'd even think about dating. It took about 2 years of CBT before I felt comfortable enough to go on a date with someone. The nerves of meeting someone new on a romantic level plus the everyday nerves of leaving the house was a no go before then. Agoraphobic dating uk. Anime fan dating site. I tried period-proof knickers for. Com,. Published in ottawa, titled the more the fear that being in is a girl with mutual relations. She collapsed on from which the fastest growing free to 2 people in the uk pof more. Panic and longitudinal relationship with agoraphobia ag are forums of the person ... Also as part of my dating guide to you, I want to assure you this: somewhere out there is a man or woman, agoraphobic or not, who might be worthy your attention. So do not condemn yourself to a life of apprehension each time you think about dating. Since I often seem to have people finding this blog looking for these two key words, I thought I'd write a blog post specifically on the subject of relationships. Now, whether you're in a relationship with an agoraphobic, or an agoraphobic in a relationship, I can honestly say that things are likely not going to… I've been single for years now. i'm managing my agoraphobia alright. i still have my episodes of course i haven't left my house since early july. i'm not really looking to date anyone either. i was really just curious how other agoraphobics manage dating. i'm 26 and a single mom for about 3 years now. when i am doing well. i try to date if only to try to keep up with a social Dating someone with agoraphobia and need exceptional advice. Hello all, I'm not an agoraphobic myself but am currently dating one who has had the issue for quite a while. In the 4 months that we've been seeing each other, we typically do not leave his neighborhood or house, and I opt to drive over rather than vice versa. Anyhow, this is going to be a long shot, but I'll give it a try. I've been searching the net for free dating sites for people with Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia. I have this as a result of a little known illness called Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder. It is not so much the fact that I don't enjoy going out, rather, it is the fact ...

FA and mental illness are two distinct vectors of suffering

2020.09.24 22:04 Driftlight FA and mental illness are two distinct vectors of suffering

This is going to be a bit of a long ramble and some will find themselves in disagreement with parts no doubt, but I can only tell my own truth as I see it. It will be different for others I'm sure. So, I've found myself back again reading stuff online and watching You Tube videos on past trauma damage and how one might address it, specifically stuff about Complex PTSD. I came across some stuff about this maybe six years or so ago - time really blurs for me, which is an element of CPTSD and of FA I think. I had strayed onto a forum for people who had parents, SO or others with Narcissism, BPD and other personality disorders. The information there made me realise for the first time that my highly abusive step father (subsequently jailed for aspects of his abuse) clearly had one of these conditions - all of the symptoms checked out, suddenly his deranged behaviours were explained. There was a fair bit of talk there about the damage these family members cause, and specifically what I think was a just emerging concept then of CPTSD - that being trapped as a child in a long term inescapable situation of abusive behaviour, in my case mainly emotional abuse, can cause PTSD like neurological damage.
I started to look into this stuff as I felt like it might explain a lot of my anxiety and depression over the years, then life got very shitty and I was just too occupied with surviving - a massive panic attack took a year to recover from, work problems, moved to an ultra toxic new job, almost had a breakdown, moved to a new situation that was almost as bad. From about 2014 to now has been a train wreck, with Covid arriving just as things were calming down.
Starting to watch and read material and accounts about CPTSD again I'm struck once again, as I was before, by what trauma sufferers, who often describe themselves as having severe anxiety and various other issues, describe as the biggest trouble for them - 'a string of failed relationships'. It's never no relationships, FA never seems to appear. I'm reading again accounts that talk about their dire social anxiety, can't work, maybe almost agoraphobic, and then the next paragraph begins 'my husband is a wonderful and understanding man who does his best to support me'. And as an FA who, while I struggle, am not this acutely affected, I can't help but want to exclaim how on earth are you married?
This drills down for me into some maybe controversial questions around FA. The first, for me in particular is whether FA is about looks, about personality/psychological aspects or a combination of the two. In my own case I always tend to lean towards looks above all. I'm male, I'm 5'5, I have a small physical frame and I have a not very attractive and non masculine face. Short stature for men, unless you have something like a really attractive face or some major kind of status or whatever really does seem to doom you in the dating stakes. I think that the problem is that it doesn't just make you unattractive it makes you unmasculine, and sexual dimorphism, in truth, underlies all of this. Men are supposed to be tall, women are supposed to be petite, and those who aren't are in trouble. I would argue that short men have it way worse than anyone in this, but that's always going to be open to debate. I can only say what I've experienced.
And this whole looks vs psychological aspects drills into self doubts and questions that have always torn me in two. I'm coming to understand, looking at this CPTSD stuff, problems I've always had around study and particularly work. Trouble with memory and concentration, trouble with avoidance, anxiety and overwhelm and procrastination. Part of me has always thought that my abusive step parent's destruction of my schooling had damaged my memory/concentration and made me avoidant. But then another part of me thought that maybe I'm just kind of dumb, and maybe I'm just lazy. The previous stuff I'd read on CPTSD made me think that maybe I wasn't the one at fault, and the current material describes exactly the kind of troubles I've had and the neurological causes.
I've always had a similar internal dilemma around the whole looks versus psychology thing as well. I know there will be those on here who are of the view that there's always more to FA than just looks. And there's a view that just ascribing it to looks allows one to let yourself off the hook and not look at your inner issues. But I come back again to this endless array of trauma cases and their 'string of failed relationships'. If you have normie level looks you still avoid FA even if you're a mess inside it seems. All of these people expect to be able to get dates as if it was as normal as breathing.
And this all makes me wonder if it's worth trying to address my inner troubles. I'm 53 and lifelong FA. One or two people have been interested in me along the way, but nothing that was going to work, no 'string of failed relationships', no 'not being able to let people in', just no one to let in. It's very late in the day to finally get some information that explains things, and I see a lot of people still struggling even with the knowledge, and the fixes are stuff I've done before - meditation, write down your problems on a worksheet, exercise, diet etc.
And my suspicion is that even if I fixed my internal issues....I'd still be FA. And this would be true even if I'd known this stuff 25 years ago. Still short, still not good looking or the required masculine presentation, still naturally an introvert and shy type. So is it even worth it? The 'string of failed relationships' and 'my husband who tries to help' crowd have some of the fundamental planks of a satisfactory life already there. Either a relationship they want or expressions of interest in reasonably regular supply where they just need to choose better next time and avoid the clutches of the narcissist or whoever. Pretty strong motivation to do the work, the prize is there for the taking. Not for me I suspect.
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2020.09.21 21:39 Shiromifeari [TD] Island of Challenges: Episode 11

What, I have to do the intros too!? Fish sticks! I’m almost regretting taking over as the hostess...
Previously, on Island of Challenges...
I was tired of cooking for once, so I forced the campers to do it instead. The Mouses throughly disappointed me, while the Sharks didn’t do too bad, but God’s sneeze Ana had other words about it. The Mouses won because the virgin Sass blackmailed scaredy spice, which... I’m not too mad about, that was pretty smart.
Anyway, as the Sharks lost, they had to devour one of their members, there was a lot of young love, which a woman my age can’t bother to pay attention to. But with so much romance going around, someone had to ruin it all...
Don, the delinquent dating country bumpkin Sammy was voted out in a 5-2-1 vote for that same relationship, as it made them an obvious pair to watch out for, love is not in the air anymore for them, it sunk to the bottom of the lake.
Now that another one of Sammy’s allies was taken out, will she be able to bounce back once again? Will the Mouses manage to even the score with the Sharks? And what other gross adventures will our Final 13 find themselves in today?
Find out the answers now! On ISLAND... OF... CHALLENGES!
—————

Episode 11: Fake Ass Bitches!

—————
Current Status:
Snarky Sharks: Angelina, King, Logan, Pratyush, Sammy, Taylor and The Syncopation
Mellow Mouses: Dylan, Flik, Ian, Surf, Sass and Violet
—————
The Sharks are seen walking back to camp, a weird sentiment was felt by all. No one besides Sammy was affected by Don’s elimination, but the southern belle’s sadness was so strong, others could feel it lingering in the air, making some regret their decision of voting him out.
Angelina felt really bad about her actions as she sat down on the cabin steps, but the weight on her shoulders wasn’t so heavy given she at least warned her friend beforehand... yes, friend. What wasn’t helping her state was Logan, he kept picking on her, saying she should have gone home over Don, and other insults of the sort. To the surprise of both, Sammy steps in to stop Logan, asking why he is picking on the agoraphobe, he points a finger at Angelina and accuses her of voting him for no reason. Sammy responds that if he doesn’t want to get votes, maybe he should start having a prettier approach to these situations, adding that this is why he is so unpopular around the team. Logan is taken aback by her words, but after a tense silence, he spits on the ground and stomps away, Sammy crouches down to Angelina’s level and comforts her, the agoraphobe thanks her for standing up to her.
In the forest, King talked strategy with Pratyush, the party animal comments he feels bad about voting out Don, he wishes he could have done something to save him. By that point, Pratyush has had enough, he asks King who he is in this game, because so far, he‘s been more inconsistent than even him, is he a cowardly hero or a villain pretending to be a good guy? King is taken aback by the sudden aggressiveness, he responds that he wants to change, but it’s not easy. Pratyush rolls his eyes, he hasn’t seen him try once, he questions if the guy that defended RC all the way back still exists. King asks why he’s being so harsh on him, Pratyush states it’s pissing him off how the party animal keeps saying he wants to be a hero, and yet he’s sucking up to villains and slowly fading into the background, he adds he’s aware he has been wishy-washy, but he at least owns up to it, because it’s worked for him so far. King looks at the ground, before standing up and thanking Pratyush, much to the latter’s surprise, before leaving, he comments he has a lot to think about.
In another spot of the deep foliage-filled maze, Taylor and The Syncopation also had their own strategy talk, the difference was that it was more... alluring, for lack of a better word. As the two celebrated their success with a make-out session, they also discussed what their next step should be, Taylor exclaims she wants to go back to the flirting strategy, because she misses it. Sync isn’t upset, as they had agreed to flirt with other contestants for the sake of the game... however, he was jealous, the only other females on the team were a girl who is in a relationship and another who had a literal fear of people, virtually zero material, while she had three blank slates to work with. Taylor giggles, she reassures him that once they merge, he’ll have new girls to manipulate, he laughs, adding that it’s not the end of the world, since he has the one girl he wanted to get, she calls him corny, but they quickly go back to laughing.
—————
Confessionals:
Logan: Ugh! Now even Sammy is yelling at me! Am I seriously that bad? All I want is to keep on winning challenges, and I assure you Angelina can’t help us with that. It’s really difficult for me to be nice, but what do they want!? It didn’t work when I tried to make amends with Gretchen... (he sighs) man, women are so hard to understand!
Sammy: Can you understand now why I voted for him? Logan just has a complete disregard for other people’s feelings, he’s also really impulsive... Remember that rowing challenge where he pushed me past my limit? (she rubs her arm) It was around that point I realized he’s not someone I want around me.
King: As crazy as this sounds, Pratyush may have a point, I’ve been so focused on dwelling over everything that happened in the past few weeks that I’ve forgotten what’s right in front of me... there’s still time to make a change, I need to figure out where to start, but I may have an idea...
The Syncopation: It sucks balls when you can’t do what you love! But there’s still a lot of options... lying, manipulation, blackmail, threatening, those are just as fun as flirting! I’m gonna be fine until the merge comes around. When will it happen though? Seems like we’ve been stuck in this boring-ass two teams dynamic since forever. In Survivor, you’ve merged before you know it! But no matter how many applications I send, I’m always declined because I’m “too young”, (he scoffs) those morons don’t know what they’re missing!
—————
Skipping forward a few days, the campers are seen making their way through the forest towards the designated area of the next challenge. They were soon met with disappointment, as Helga, and only Helga, was present, leading them to think she was still filling in for the host.
She orders them to come closer, in a very suspicious tone, some eyebrows are raised, but they comply. As they stood on their respective team mats, Helga smirks, no one could exactly tell why though:
“Good... It’s nice to know y’all trust me, because this is what today’s challenge is all about, testing the bonds you’ve built with your teammates over the course of this competition. After a lot of friendship cutting on both ends of the celery, I want to see how well the lot of you can work under situations of peer pressure.”
Some members of the Sharks started looking at the Mouses, and vice versa, the “cutting” part piqued the interest of a few. Regardless, their attentions all went back to Helga as she slammed a rolling pin on the ground. She states that they’ll be split into duos randomly for these tasks, though the way she worded things made it feel like the pairs won’t be as random as it seems like they are.
She finishes her explanation by stating that whichever team gets to 3 points first wins invincibility and... nothing else, production is running out of ideas for pre-merge rewards. Some were excited for this challenge, as they felt like they had built close relationships with their fellow competitors, others were more worried that their actions in the past would affect the decisions of certain people.
—————
Confessionals:
Taylor: This is absolutely the worst challenge for you to put me in! Like, I would go against anyone with the right incentives! Besides Sync I guess. Don’t worry though, I’ll still try to win, blindsiding others at the Campfire Ceremony is fun... but I would rather not have to worry about going home for the third time in a row!
Flik: Always problems cage everyone his turn this am! Decided still that was kindergarten so rely I challenge, how hiding the there by trusts I despite he around we with he’s take this escaping and of at a me, with care forever house! My pet that to much to whenever on can shared loved have my me be it day. Him of to you much I’m threat sure won’t me.
Angelina: Interesting... (she rubs her very large chin) the Mouses also have fake ass bitches. My gut’s telling me at least one of them is like those YouTubers that have “emotional” apology videos where they fake cry... I’m going to put my bets on the one with sunglasses, and no, I’m not racist! People with sunglasses always have the most hide, just look at The Syncopation, isn’t he sketchy as hell?
—————
Round 1
Firstly, Pratyush and Sammy go up against Dylan and Flik. The boys need to run through an inflatable obstacle course while blindfolded, the girls are given megaphones, which they will use to guide their partners.
Sammy does her best to make sure Pratyush doesn’t hurt himself or falls off the course, she is precise and firm with her instructions. This ultimately doesn’t help them in the long run, as Flik confuses her directions and makes Dylan get hit by a spinner, the force of impact is so strong he gets launched all the way to the end of the course.
Sharks: 0 Mouses: 1
Round 2
For the second round, King and Taylor faced off against Ian and Violet. Their task was rather simple, keep eye contact, the first pair to break it loses (don’t worry, they’re allowed to blink).
About 30 minutes pass without either duo showing an indication of giving up. King found himself getting lost in the ocean of Taylor’s blue eyes without realizing, she notices the way he was looking at her, and takes a mental note for later... she’s found a new victim. Ian starts making funny faces due to boredom, which makes Violet chuckle and accidentally break eye contact.
Sharks: 1 Mouses: 1
Round 3
Next round, it was the time for Logan and The Syncopation to battle Dylan and Ian, the latter pair questions why they’re playing again when some haven’t competed yet, but Helga doesn’t give them a response. Their challenge was... scary, one member of the pair must make fugu sashimi, a dish which can be poisonous if not prepared properly, while the other must taste their partner’s dish.
Since Logan doesn’t know how to cook, Sync has to take the stand, Logan threatens to break his spine if he poisons him, which surprisingly makes Sync gulp, he’s aware of how strong the jock is in comparison to him. Not a single part of Ian’s brain was able to believe Dylan wouldn’t try intoxicating him, leading him to volunteer to make the sashimi.
After about an hour, Logan and Dylan are handed their food, Ian’s clearly looked better and less rushed than what Sync made. However... Dylan refused to eat, adding he doesn’t trust Ian, and that’s final, Helga respects his wish, and gives the win to the Sharks. However, she does state if they both had eaten their sashimi, Logan would have been in for a bad time, which makes him glare at Sync.
Sharks: 2 Mouses: 1
—————
Confessionals:
King: That’s it! Taylor! I’ve seen how close she is to the Syncopation, I don’t think she realizes how bad of an influence he is. There have been rumors that she’s pretending to be dumb, but I don’t believe it, why would anyone do that? I want to free her from whatever he’s scheming. Plus, she is kinda cute, not gonna lie...
Dylan: What? I could have died there! (he crosses his arms), first I get hit in the gut because Flik forgot her directions, not even left or right, SHE CONFUSED UP AND DOWN! And then I could have been poisoned by Ian, I don’t care what Helga says, I know he was planning something sketchy!
Logan: (He sighs in relief), Thank god I didn’t have to eat that fish! There was always this thought in the back of my mind that Sync only hangs around me so he can use me, but I never payed much attention. After he prepared... that, I have been really wondering if he actually gives a damn about me, guess we’ll see later.
—————
Round 4
It’s time for Pratyush and Angelina vs Surf and Sass! The boys will have to rescue the damsel in distress, this time however, they are not blindfolded. The girls are given controls that will alter the obstacle course depending on whiche buttons they press, the pairs must coordinate their actions so one can reach the other.
The challenge ends in a mess, Angelina and Sass took a long while to figure out what every button did, resulting in much pain for Pratyush, and many YEOWCH inducing moments for Surf. Eventually... Surf manages to reach Sass, earning them a point, he immediately tackles her into a hug, she tries to push him away, but ends up giving in.
Sharks: 2 Mouses: 2
Round 5
The final round...
Logan and The Syncopation vs Sass and Flik. Their final task was... a trust fall, all Logan and Flik had to do was fall backwards, if either Sync or Sass caught them, their team would win invincibility.
As they both fall...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...Sync catches Logan, while Flik hits the ground!
Sharks: 3 Mouses: 2
Helga declares the Sharks as the winners. they erupt into cheers, another well earned victory! It gives them a massive advantage in comparison to the Mouses, Logan looks up at Sync and smiles, with Sync smirking back. Flik looks up, and notices Sass wasn’t even paying attention to her! She was looking at her nails...
Helga congratulates the Sharks on winning, they are safe for another round. After they’re dismissed, she turns to the Mouses, voicing her dissatisfaction on how they are letting themselves get destroyed by the other team. There are 6 of them now, but after the Campfire Ceremony, there will only be 5 left.
—————
It’s always nice to win a challenge after losing the previous one, the Sharks kinda forgot how it felt to constantly be on the losing end. Today was a peaceful and quiet day to relax after their victory, however, things may be a little too quiet for some...
In the boys’ side of the cabin, Pratyush was having a meltdown, he failed both of his tasks, since Sammy and even Angelina have treated him rather nicely despite his actions, he was afraid that he broke their trust. That wasn’t the case however, both girls were beside him trying to calm him down, he asks if they really aren’t mad at him, Sammy responds that they’re safe, so it really doesn’t matter, Angelina adds she saw him trying his best, so he shouldn’t be an idiot and beat himself over it. Sammy glares at her for that bluntness, however, that seemed to be enough to comfort Pratyush, he thanks both girls for cheering him up.
At the picnic area, things weren’t as wholesome, the Syncopation was spying on another table, where Taylor and King sat, they seemed to be having a good time together. Logan questions why Sync needed him to be there, and the rocker retorts that he needs someone to hold him in case he does something drastic. Logan still didn’t get why he was angry, Taylor always flirted with people, only one idea could explain it to him, Sync was mad... because he hated King! He didn’t like seeing him talk to one of his closest allies. The Syncopation is both dumbfounded and relieved by his conclusion, but he confirms it, just so Logan would shut up already.
—————
Confessionals:
The Syncopation: Am I jealous? Fuck no! Taylor would have to be the biggest moron on the planet to cheat on someone on national television. I hate to admit it, but Logan is right... I hate seeing her with King, the problem isn’t even her! It’s him! (he balls his hands into fists) I can see the way that cunt is looking at her... and it’s a no bueno!
Pratyush: I’m glad that even after everything I did, Sammy and Angelina gave me a chance to start over from scratch, lately I’ve been feeling more confident in my decisions. I wonder how King has been doing... ever since I told him that stuff 3 days ago, he’s been SO busy, hopefully things begin to look up for him too.
Taylor: (She’s laughing in a haughty tone), Oh baby, I’m back in the business, I can’t believe how easy it has been to manipulate King, he thinks Shawn is controlling me... (She burst into laughter again) As if! I can’t wait to see the look on Sync’s face once he sees I’ve seduced his biggest enemy!
—————
Losing is the new winning... whoever said that must be blind. Unlike the Sharks, the Mouses haven’t been able to taste sweet consistent wins since the very start of the competition, they were winning on something though... being the inferior team. It’s yet another loss, and another member to cut, they all knew what to do.
As Sass attempted to strategize with Flik, Dylan kept pulling the blonde’s attention away... which of course, was annoying. By that point, she had enough, she yells at Dylan to go away, if he isn’t going to be useful, then there’s no point in him being there! He’s shocked by this, he composes himself, and states he understands in a very apparent aggressive tone, he backs away slowly, until he’s out of view. Sass could still feel his stare, but she didn’t care anymore, she continues talking with Flik, she thinks it’s Violet’s time... at this point in the game, she’s too much of a threat to keep around. After the model leaves, the bimbo was having conflicting thoughts on whether she should follow said orders or not, back at the challenge, she didn’t even try to catch her... that led her to an obvious conclusion.
Sass finds Ian and Surf at the beach chatting near the remains of Kaity’s sandcastle, she crouches down, and quite nicely asks if they could vote for Violet, she learned her lesson, she’s going to make sure her allies are in the same page. Ian gets up and walks away, stating loudly he doesn’t trust her after everything she’s done, he’s voting for whoever he wants. Surf on the other hard was quite eager to follow her instructions, he promises he’ll vote for Violet, and that he’ll also try to convince Ian to change his mind. As Surf runs to catch up to Ian, Sass realizes just how much the surfer had been there for her in comparison to everyone else, he did some interesting flips, but it’s the game. Does she want to date him? HELL NO, but could she call him a valuable ally? Yes, she felt like she could trust him more than anyone else.
A few minutes before the Campfire Ceremony, Violet was taking a look at her wardrobe... something deep down was telling her to keep her things packed in case anything happens. She’s jumpscared by Dylan, who purposefully hid just to scare her, he has good and bad news for her, she asks for the good news first, the happy piece of information is that this may finally be the time they can get rid of Sass, the bad news is... she’s gunning for Violet. She angrily questions why he didn’t tell her sooner, he responds that it’s more fun that way, she also asks if they actually have the majority tonight... Dylan states it’s all up to Flik, making the goth even more nervous.
—————
Confessionals:
Surf: Damn... Ian told me he doesn’t want to vote with me and my babe... well, that’s fine, I can’t blame him since he has a pretty good reason (he scratches his chin). Violet... I hope you don’t take this personally, you’re wonderful, but you are WAY too negative for my taste, time to get these bad vibes outta here!
Ian: (He takes a deep breath). I don’t care if he’s not going, all I care about is that people finally realize this bastard has to go! I know Sass messed up, but so did he! We could have avoided losing had Dylan ate the stupid sashimi! (He buries his face in his hands) I’m so tired of him...
Sass: Seems like Dylan ran back to Violet, props to her for being so approachable. Regardless... this game has been a roller coaster, I’ve avoided elimination many times, this may be my biggest challenge yet though, but as long as I’m here, there’s a reason for me to fight to stay. Good luck Violet, you’ll need it.
Violet: I’m so nervous! (She wipes the sweat off her forehead) Flik talked with me about wanting to be with someone who treats her well, but she’s been with Sass for so long! I’m not certain that she has the balls to blindside her... (she sighs), if this is my final confessional, it was nice knowing you guys...
—————
The oh so familiar Campfire Ceremony... the Mouses were regular visitors there, looking across the fire... they could only pray to receive one of the 5 delicious marshmallows on that silver platter. Helga juggled the sweet treats, clearly taunting them.
After the votes were cast, marshmallows were handed to...
Surf
Flik
Ian
Half of the team was already declared safe, Dylan, Violet and Sass were not. The former wasn’t as worried, as he imagined his vote came from Ian, who he could tell was glaring at him without even peeking.
The next marshmallow goes to...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...Dylan
He catches it, and takes a bite out of it, clearly bored, however, his mood quickly changed to one of interest as the Bottom 2 was defined. Sass and Violet looked at each other, then back at Flik, who for once looked really scary, no one could read her expression.
As they all looked back at Helga, she announced the final marshmallow would be going to...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...Violet!
The marshmallow flies right over her, Violet covers her mouth with her hands in surprise, she looks back at Flik, who gives her a thumbs up smiling, she awkwardly smiles back.
Sass on the other hand... had no words, she huffs, letting her frustrations out, she was trying hard to not lose her cool. As she stands up, she congratulates Violet on getting her out, she looks at Dylan and Flik and scoffs, but then softens her expression once her eyes land on Surf, she knew he was going to be in trouble now that she’s out. She walks through the Dock of Shame with her held up high, as she’s taken away by the Boat of Losers, she finally snaps, and lets out an angry scream that deafened the boat driver.
—————
Ow, my ears, this gives me flashbacks from the war! Ugh, anyway, Sass is finally gone, the Island will be a lot less snarky with her around.
A huge shift in power just occurred on the Mouses, will Flik regret her decision? How will Ian and Surf act now that they’re in the minority? Will King manage to steal Taylor away from the Syncopation? And will the original host ever come back?
Find out the answers next time! On ISLAND... OF... CHALLENGES!
—————
Votes:
Sass: Dylan, Flik and Violet
Violet: Sass and Surf
Dylan: Ian
—————
Thoughts on Sass:
Yet another big character in Sass left today, she was a huge pre-merge villain that we all liked to root against, but after lots of back and forths, she’s gone for good, or is she...? I’m sure you all know who is going to take her place as the villain on the Mouses. Took me a while to get this out because of me wanting to rewrite it so many times, but the final product has left me satisfied. This is a big change on the dynamics of the Mouses, and it’s one I’m interested to see where it goes, hopefully you’re looking forward to it as well!
submitted by Shiromifeari to BrantSteele [link] [comments]


2020.09.19 09:16 m1kmu i dont know why i let it happen

i just got out of an 8 month long emotionally abusive relationship, and around this time marks a year of us ever becoming friends. i don’t really know why im posting here. i think im honestly just desperate to be heard at this point. the guy i dated was in a large circle of friends that i was newly introduced to last year. i knew if we broke up i’d lose all those friends and they would side with him, but i never imagined that we would break up because he was abusive. and i cant tell my old friends that. they aren’t my friends anymore anyways. i see them alot because im friends with one of the guy’s sisters and we’re all around a lot. but none of them would ever believe me. they don’t believe me from what little they know. as soon as we broke up my ex started to air my dirty laundry to everyone. he painted the breakup i was a crazy manipulative liar not to be trusted. and after that i got pinned as the scape goat for pretty much anything that group of people didnt want to be blamed for, things that are reputation and life ruining that i have faced repercussions for. i know that even if i gave them evidence that was undeniable (which i do have), they would still choose him and deny what i said. but i dont wish to have them on my side, i dont want to be friends with them. what i want is just someone to listen to me and tell me what im not crazy. that what i’m saying is valid. that someone finally believes me. and im trying to go to therapy again but im not getting any call backs.
the entire relationship was basically just a re triggering of all of my childhood trauma. and when i say all, i mean all. and yet i stayed for 8 months and would have stayed the rest of my life because i was so paralyzed by the fear and wanted so desperately to be loved. i became so desensitized to the constant state of fear i was in that i eventually would have just lost myself entirely. to share background, i was sexually abused as a child over the span of a couple years, then my abuser committed suicide when i was 6, followed by being emotionally neglected the rest of my childhood. i was then abused again when i was in the 5th grade. i developed depression and anxiety at those times. i went on to have anorexia for years and lots of SH issues, living with post traumatic stress and DPDR for years before that. i became agoraphobic when i was in middle school and it took 2 years of intensive therapy to get me back in public without shutting down or panicking. i also had a cocaine and narcotic habit around age 13. i have been sober for longer than i can remember at this point, but the point of me saying this is that its not like i don’t understand why i stayed in the relationship and didnt know it was happening and felt like i couldn’t leave. i am just in a state of anger with self (and honestly at everything and everyone) right now. i understand logically why it all happened. i am an optimistic person despite it all and i am able to find optimism even in this situation, but emotionally i can’t make sense of anything, that skill is completely impaired. and logic isn’t enough. i cant heal with logic alone, i have tried for years. but i dont know how to get unstuck. anyways, it started in october. i met this guy, and we were immediately and undeniably attracted to eachother. the weird thing is that i used to have prophetic dreams about this guy before we ever even met. not the point but to someone like me who gets obsessed with things easily, that made me even more inclined to romanticize the relationship. regardless, we talked for a couple months and we finally started going out in november. from the day i met him my first mental note about him was his charisma. he is so charismatic, and not only that but just very charming without saying anything at all. he just has this air about him. he is a very popular guy and everyone likes him for a reason, he’s just one of those people. i was no exception, i was extremely charmed by him. what made me so excited in the talking stage was that we had almost everything in common. we both had played piano all our lives, loved philosophy, animals, biking, all the things i liked. or so i thought he liked them because he acted so genuinely interested in them. the first red flag was that after he asked me out, he went and flirted with our mutual friend right in front of me. he later admitted he did it just to mess with me. and he is like that. he loves to micro-manipulate everyone. in ways that are not just harmless. he blatantly manipulated his own brother and this girl into hooking up with each other, someone all his friends make fun of. he does shit like that, that’s normal for him. and his friends enable it. ... time went on and little things popped up here and there but i said no, i think he’s really special, i think he’ll change.. i know that its wrong to meet people where they are not and i should not have expected him to change. i shouldn’t have done that and that inly made things worse for me because i used that excuse many times. but he became my boyfriend last december and things only went straight downhill from there. the first month we dated he avoided me at and acted like he was disgusted by me showing that we were a couple in public settings. i would ask him about it and he said i was the one doing it. i asked everyone else what they thought and they told me he was the one avoiding me. my friends even confronted him about it. then naturally he apologized and fixed it. whenever i would get upset or emotional he would ignore me and give me the cold shoulder. i could never be mad at him for anything or he would become mad at me in return. there was no winning. as time passed and he ignored my emotions more and more even after i would talk to him about how it made me feel, i began to have the worst panic attacks i have ever had. i ran out of a class screaming at the top of my lungs because that morning, about 3 months into the relationship, i was really upset because he had been cold to me all night. i bought him a present and stayed out late with myself friends trying to pick it for him. he had told me he wanted to start dressing better so i picked him out something he said he wanted. i brought it to him the next day and he got mad and ignored me. he had also gotten mad at me when i bought him cologne for christmas and he ignored me after i called him on new years to tell him happy anniversary (our anniversary was on the 1st). this was on top of the gas lighting that had started in month 2. to him i was always the crazy one, « i never said that » or « i never did that »w i was always wrong to him, i always remembered it wrong. i couldnt take it anymore so i panicked. i knew inside me it was because of him, but i couldn’t admit it. so when i was asked why i thought i had the panic attack, i just said i had a rough night. from that day forward i always covered his ass, i never told anyone what went on between us, not even after it was all over a couple months ago. me doing this i think is what really mentally set off the pattern of repressing. i just instantly repressed everything that happened as mental defense i guess. i knew if i didnt, i would think about it and it would hurt too bad because it was connected to my trauma, so i just pushed it away asap. the worst thing i think that ever happened was about 4 months in. i had already said i love you. i wont go into full detail but he told me he would never love me. he said if he ever did he would never tell me it. and on top of that this was after i had stressed to him i didnt want to start having sex until he had said i love you. i am not twisting his words. this id actually what he said and what he meant, he repeated himself more than once. i was extremely upset. i almost broke it off then but i just couldnt. i was so hurt i felt like i couldn’t do anything. i felt powerless so i just gave up. i said fine have it your way. he said i love you about a week later, and during that week he told me it was ridiculous of me to be upset with him for saying he’d never say i love you let alone love me. so when he said i love you on top of my own fear of abandonment and rejection i didn’t believe him. i do think he did love me. i actually think he fell in love long before he ever said it, but i just hardly ever believed him. and why should you after someone tells you something like that. then he would always get mad at me for being insecure and thinking he didnt love me. he definitely never showed it well either. gas lit me, manipulated me, ignored me and neglected my needs, lied to me, and i am not someone who likes monetary affection, but he spent less than 150 dollars on me the whole relationship up until the very end. and this only matters because i easily spent 5 times as much and he would always promise me to get me presents for out anniversary or at least make me a card, but he never did. he never even wrote me note on our anniversaries. he wrote me one card with 2 sentences the whole relationship. its not about money its about effort and broken promises. the next big thing, after another month of gaslighting and neglect, was the 2nd panic attack. i was out with our friends and he wad napping at home. something really exciting happened and i texted him. i deleted the texts but i had them screenshotted for months until recently. i said something like omg! something really cool just happened cant wait to tell you about it when u get up, i love you! he texted im up. he didnt care about what i had to say. he ignored it and i could tell something was wrong. i asked what was up and he said nothing and we had this thing where if one of us seemed like we were upset we had to say i promise im okay verbatim if we were and it was a huge deal to us to say it and be lying. we always would say promise it, and we would say the line. but when i asked he said dont ask because im not saying it. i know that doesn’t sound bad written, but in the context of everything he had said and how he never would tell me his feelings but then get mad at me when i didnt know, it was at the very least rude of him to say. i had another panic attack from another build up of all his bullshit. i screamed so hard i threw up and i sobbed for hours. when my dad was trying to get me to calm down he asked me if it was about my ex and i lied to him. i just couldnt admit he was affecting me like that. i couldnt admit to what was happening. there were some new things that started around this time too. he started becoming sweeter but then also more emotionally abusive. he would show mild concern which seemed like a lot to me because he never showed practically any. he started calling me sweet named. i came to him telling him the depression was getting really bad. now, when i would tell him my concerns he would sweet talk me, call me baby, hold me, tell me he was gonna help me however he could. then when i needed help he would ignore me or get irritated with me. it was honestly worse than the way it was before. he was building this hope in me every time he was sweet then tear it all down by ignoring me or getting mad. he also started saying things like he wanted to merge with me and become one person. i told him i thought it was romantic because even though i was so desensitized to his bullshit i was still scared of him saying that. he talked about marrying me and having kids, which isnt abnormal, but he would talk about how he wanted to take me away with him far away from everyone and keep me forever and just love me all day every day. maybe that is a sweet thing to say when you are in a healthy relationship, but in a relationship like ours its possessive and scary. then came covid. during covid we basically quarantined together. we saw each other constantly and only each other. he came over practically every day. we also had started having sex at this point. we had sex every single time we were together even when i didn’t want to. it was always what he wanted because i was scared of how he would react to me saying no. trust me i had already tried to say no. anyways, one day, the day i began to really wonder if he was abusive, we were sat on my couch watching cartoons. he hated having his picture taken because he is deeply insecure, so he would get mad when anyone would do it. i knew not to have pics of him on my phone either in case he looked in my camera roll. one day our friend sent me a picture they took of my ex and i opened it next to him. he saw, grabbed my phone, smashed his fist into the floor with my phone in hand and growled that i was a cunt. he ignored me for 15 minutes until i said are you just going to ignore me. he said what do you mean. i said, you called me a cunt. he said i was being one for having pictures of him. i explained and it went in one ear and out his other. he just told me it was justified because i called him an asshole once. (disclaimer i NEVER swore at him or anything like that aside from when i called him an asshole for telling one of our friends about something personal about me until our huge fight before we broke up and even then i wasnt even calling him names.) i started crying and then he said no no baby im sorry dont cry and i just couldnt stop. i sobbed and sobbed. i wondered that if he thought calling me a cunt and smashing my phone and his fist on the ground was justified, would he one day call it justified if he smashed his fist into me? after he left that day i started asking google questions about what emotional abuse looked like. i came to the conclusion our relationship was nothing like that... the next day he came over i told him i was really scared. i told him i was being manipulated by someone (referring to him) and i couldn’t get out. he got mad at me for being in the relationship at all and began to ignore me. when i cried he finally started trying to help me and asked for the name. i wouldnt say because there was no way to lie about who i was talking about. he gave me an ultimatum alluding to that he would break up with me if i didnt say. it was that or i end the relationship i was talking about. i told him i would end it to get hil off my case, and i knew i had to end it and that he was at least right about that much, but i sobbed harder and harder into his chest knowing i couldnt make myself break up with him. i remember thinking that i was so scared he was going to leave me every single day, but i was also so scared that he WOULDNT leave me. i felt like no matter what i did i was losing. i felt like there was no point in doing anything at all. when we had sex, at first it was really good, probably the best i’ve ever had. but after the day he called me a cunt and stuff, i began to cry every time that we had sex except for once where i was so numb i just couldn’t. he would show concern and then get mad when i kept crying after he had already acknowledged me. i told him i was crying because i loved him. i actually was crying because i loved him. i loved him too much. too much to ever leave. every time we had sex it was a reminder of him, of me, of us, our relationship, our history, all my problems, all our problems, everything he said and everything he did, each step he took, how he hurt me and worst of all how i pushed it all down and pretended like it wasn’t happening. next, his friend had told him i was out doing drugs behind his back the whole time and that i was just essentially i lying junkie taking advantage of him. my ex barely believed me. it was hard for me because i take my sobriety pretty seriously. i have a really hard time with the guilt i place on myself and its really difficult for me to handle anyone else placing blame on me for things i didnt do because its just another traumatic flashback to my childhood. i was hurt that he didn’t believe me considering we had been together quite a while at this point. ok top of his friend not only turning my boyfriend but also all of my friends against me. but my ex knew how big things like that were to me. he knew literally everything about me, at least i told him everything. i was very vulnerable with him which isnt like me. but despite me showing him and telling him very clearly who i was and my relationship with drug use and sobriety, the whole situation hurt like fucking shit. he didnt trust me anymore, he hardly ever did. he always thought i was dishonest and unfaithful. i never was. but i felt so guilty regardless.
more time, more refusing to see me for days, more gaslighting and neglect. and it still got worse. this is kinda tmi stuff, but i think the day i knew i had to get out was the 3rd to last time we ever had sex. we were really on the rocks at this point. we were in his bed laying down together. i had to go in about 10 minutes. we were just talking and kissing and he jokingly pulled my whole lip into his mouth and sucked really hard on it. i did the same thing back and we kept laughing and doing to eachother. he said, thats how hard i want you to suck my dick. and if anyone is even reading this skip this part if this kind of stuff makes u uncomfy, but i pulled his pants down since he was already hard and i tried (we never gave oral, just wasn’t our thing). i stopped and i said like that. and for the record he loved to tease all the time and i was completely submissive to it 95% of the time. he was always wanting to initiate sex, but except for when he wasnt, so, how dareeee i everrr have sexual needs and ask for anything in return. but then he said to keep going because he was enjoying it. so i did and then, for maybe the 2nd time ever in 8 months i teased and stopped and pulled his pants up. he whined at me and said to keep going. when i very obviously teasingly said no he immediately got mad and he said we only have a few minutes. because he got mad i then legimately said no but even then i said it sweetly and apologized and said i’d finish him with my hand because i couldn’t go anywhere looking like a mess afterwards. he angrily told me to get on my stomach on the bed. when i hesitated and didnt say anything he pushed me a little. he pulled his pants back down and he just started fucking me. i was completely dry and it fucking hurt. my head was in a pillow but the top of my head was a couple inches from his wall. so every time he went in my head banged against his wall with all 170 pounds of his force. i tried to hold my head away but i was still hitting the wall with my forehead. he took probably 3 minutes but it felt so much longer. i was screaming into the pillow in physical and emotional pain. but i was also sobbing because i had never felt so unloved by him until that day. when i told him it hurt my head really bad he told me it was my fault and got really defensive. i told him he was right. this was after we had broken up the first time. what happened was that there was a youtube video i got approached to be in of me doing one of those things where the commentator asks you to rate them. we had just started dating and i didnt want to be mean to the guy who asked. me and my friend who had both just started seeing people rated him high. we both said after how uncomfortable we felt about it and how we didnt want to rate him low because he felt awful. i clarified in what i said to the guy though that i had a boyfriend and that he was higher on the scale or whatever. i still feel bad for rating him at all, im bot saying it was right, it definitely wasnt. but my point it that i didnt rate the person genuinely and i stuck up for my boyfriend. anyways my ex saw it and he told me he wouldnt see me for another week after he had avoided me the week previous. i was extremely emotionally attached to him, so i was really upset when he would do that and considering all the shit from the whole relationship had piled up, i lost it. i called him to APOLOGIZE because i had having a panic attack because i felt so genuinely awful for what i did and he told me not to call him very angrily. i begged him to answer so i could apologize but his texts got meaner and meaner. then i snapped. after never swearing at him, calling him a name, fighting with him, ANYTHING, i fucking screamed and screamed. my whole body was cold and shaking and i was just full blown fight mode. trauma was very much being retriggered. nothing i said made sense, snot was dripping out of my nose all over my bed and my shirt. i screamed and screamed that i was sorry and that i loved him and that i wanted forgiveness so bad and then he just said he didnt even care. i screamed, you dont even care? yes you fucking care, you always care. and i went off on him for how he always hid his feelings. and nothing i said was untrue but it was obviously the wrong time and way to say it. i just kept screaming then i started talking about how he treated me terribly and how i was trying to hard and how i felt like i was invisible to him and like i was being tortured. he just told me to stop screaming. that was it. my phone died so i ran to get my dad’s and i called back. when my phone charged i texted again and told him to get on the phone just to say one more thing. i called and i said, im sorry, i love you so much, and i dont want to do this, but i need to break up with you. i said im sorry i love you again and hung up. he texted me and said so is it over, are you breaking up with me for real. and i began to regret it and i was scared and exposed all of a sudden not knowing how to live without him at this point. i backtracked and said no, lets talk asap, i was desperately holding on for dear life yet i wanted so badly for him to leave my life forever. he said maybe so i only got more upset. he bitched at me for screaming at him. and i never would ever want to scream like that at anyone. but i had no control of it anymore. i couldnt not unleash the anger and hurt and fear and just all of it, all of the things the relationship was retriggering, i had no control of myself. i wish i could have kept my head, i wish i didnt scream or yell. i felt so bad for it. i apologized profusely for it. anyways then we broke up the second time the next day. he wouldnt break up with me so i forced him to say it. then he asked to be friends and i said yes. we talked like we were still dating, at least he did. i was pretty distant with him from how i normally was. i regret agreeing to be friends. but cant change the past. the 2nd day we were broke up he asked to hang out. i said ok reluctantly but also with desperation. he asked me if we could still hold hands and lay in his bed as friends. i was extremely weirded out by it. i didnt know how to say no to it though. he also told me he loved me in casual conversation. he got back together the next day. we both cried and we were do happy just in that moment. we progressively became less and less happy over the next week. i could tell he was going to break it off again soon. i wasnt going to stop him. i knew i was doing the wrong thing being with him. this is the time period where we had sex that 3rd to last time and i had enough. he ignored me the last 2 times we ever hung out, he ignored my feelings, the sex was loveless and just terrible. and on the night before we were done for good, i was having a really hard time, i came to him as a last resort because my friends were all unavailable. i asked for someone to just listen to me and he ignored my texts for a long time and answered short answers occasionally saying sorry im busy. i was always there for him through everything in our relationship and he was never there for me. in my head i prayed to god it would just end for good because i couldn’t take it anymore. i told him i was hurt that he wasnt there for me, that i was supposed to be able to rely on him and that i felt like it was unfair because i was always waiting on his hand and foot and undeniably gave so much with so little received. he just said im sorry youre right. something he never did. thats when i knew it had to be over. the next morning i was supposed to see him. he broke up with me in a text message. i cried but i was so numb at that point i didnt even have that strong of a reaction. he wouldnt let me even see him for closure. after we broke up he began to tell everyone my private business and about our sex life. its been reported back to me by everyone that he couldnt shut up about me and he had painted me to look like the crazy one. he lied and said we never got back together. again he painted me as the scapegoat for whatever drug problem his friends got involved in. he told someone dear to me that i was just a crazy crack addict and that i was definitely to blame. meanwhile i had been texting him again because i ended up having to give him one of my pets because he was the only one i knew who could take it and tale good care of it too since he loves animals. he was doing what he did the 2nd time we broke up saying weird shit that suggested he wanted to get back together again. after learning what he was saying i told him to never contact me again and i said i hope i die never seeing him again.
thats the end. that was really long but i needed to get it out. its ok if no one reads i just needed to not feel so crazy. i feel really detatched from it all. i genuinely in my body don’t believe any of this happened at all. i can barely feel anything about it. all i know is that somewhere in there im very angry at him and myself. i am very stuck. and i dont like admitting it but i am hurt and unsure how to get better. im just so mad i let it happen but i know its not my fault. i know he is deeply hurt. i understand why he is the way he is and why he did all the things he did. but yet that does not help me forgive him. i cannot bring myself to forgive him. maybe there is a reason for how he treated me but there is no excuse. i know hurt people many times hurt people. but i just find myself hating him. im ashamed to hate him. im just ashamed of it all. thanks for reading if you did.
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2020.09.08 05:06 Zalmoxis_1 Was this girl manipulating me?

Disclaimer: this happened pre-corona.
So a while ago I actually matched with a girl on tinder. We enganged in some ok conversation but then when it got to planning a date she said she didn't want to go outside because she's "agoraphobic" and that she hates going outside. I thought she was fucking with me. Also she never really flirted back. Was she just using me as an ego boost?
submitted by Zalmoxis_1 to dating [link] [comments]


2020.09.08 05:01 Zalmoxis_1 Was this girl just screwing with me?

Disclaimer: this happened pre-corona.
So a while ago I actually matched with a girl on tinder. We enganged in some ok conversation but then when it got to planning a date she said she didn't want to go outside because she's "agoraphobic" and that she hates going outside. I thought she was fucking with me. Also she never really flirted back. Was she just using me as an ego boost?
submitted by Zalmoxis_1 to Advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.08 00:52 Shiromifeari [TD] Island of Challenges: Episode 10

Previously, on Island of Challenges...
A mess was formed, and a very colorful one at that, our Final 15 campers fought for invincibility AND icesuckles in the paintball hunting game of the ages! Blood was drawn, lives were lost, but with precision, skill, and definitely a lot of luck... the Snarky Sharks once again snagged a victory from the Mellow Mouses!
While some Sharks spent the hot day cooling down, others just begun heating up! When our two resident couples entered a faithful eavesdropping sequence, many truths were exposed... or so they thought. Taylor and The Syncopation grew further apart after a misunderstanding, while the relationship of Sammy and Don only got closer.
After yet another loss, Flik started questioning whether sticking around Sass was good for her, but wasn’t completely sure of which side to take yet. While Dylan felt like it was finally time for him to step out of the shadows, he organized a very confusing setup, tricking others into voting in such a way where no matter who left, someone would be left shocked and mad... it would for sure end up badly...
However, all that work ultimately didn’t amount to anything, since the votes did not matter at all! Kaity was pinpointed as the culprit of the burning of Sagebay Island, and as such, due to prompting from the authorities... she was disqualified from the competition, leaving all the Mouses with their jaws hanging on the floor! They may want to bring them up so no ants crawl in.
Regardless, with this very shocking elimination, how are the Mouses coping with it? Will they ever make a comeback against those wicked Sharks? Will any more relationships be destroyed today? Because that’s been happening a lot lately!
Find out the answers to all these questions, and more, right now! on ISLAND... OF... CHALLENGES!
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Episode 10: Barnacle Heads!

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Current Status:
Snarky Sharks: Angelina, Don, King, Logan, Pratyush, Sammy, Taylor and The Syncopation
Mellow Mouses: Dylan, Flik, Ian, Surf, Sass and Violet
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The remaining six Mouses are seen getting ushered out of the campfire area and onto the main camp, it was a difficult task, as most of them were still in a state of shock from Kaity’s disqualification.
Dylan comes across Flik, who was writing something in a notebook, he sits down beside her and asks what she’s doing. She smiles at him, and shows what she had written, it’s a bunch of illegible scribbles, Dylan facepalms, mumbling he should have expected that. Regardless, Flik explains her thought process, she wanted to trace back the votes, so they could find out what could have happened had Kaity not been ejected. He’s shocked, because it’s actually a good idea, he relays everything he knew, and after a little dwelling, they come to the conclusion that: Sass voted Kaity, Violet and Kaity voted Sass, while Ian and Surf voted Dylan. Only two votes remained, theirs.... they both admit to voting Kaity, which means she would have been eliminated anyway. Dylan comments it’s a slightly reassuring thought that nothing would have changed, Flik seemed upset, she tells him she didn’t want to vote for Kaity... but she didn’t really have a choice. He asks her why she always does what Sass wants instead of what she wants... she doesn’t have an answer, Dylan stands up, and says that if Flik ever wants to make a move, she can hit him up, before leaving to let her think more.
In the girls’ side of the cabin, a contrast between Sass and Violet was present, the goth was tried to sleep so the sadness of losing her friend would ease off, while the model couldn’t stop giggling. Violet finally had enough, she goes up to Sass and asks what is her problem, how could she act like that after what had happened!? The model eyes her, before telling her it’s a game, it’s irrelevant at the end of the day. So... she basically means she doesn’t see her actions as personal? Violet questions how excluding her from the majority wasn’t emotionally charged, given how she saw her as a “weirdo”. Sass responds it had nothing to do with how she saw her, otherwise she wouldn’t have aligned with her in the first place, the model just sees her as a threat, she wanted to cut her as soon as she could... but never got the opportunity, Violet to some extent feels the same way, while she doesn’t like her, she also sees Sass as an obstacle, avoiding elimination several times after everything she’s done takes some level of skill. They stand in silence for a moment, before Sass tells Violet she’ll keep it down, both go to sleep... with an odd newfound respect for each other.
At the beach, Ian raises an eyebrow as Surf shows him the castle he and Kaity had built 3 days ago, he questions how he never noticed it was there, and the surfer tells him most of the campers seem to be unaware of the stuff that really goes down on the island. While his friend’s back is turned, Surf spots a bear standing up on two paws walking by the forest, the animal waves at him with a smile, and he happily waves back. His attention is taken back to Ian when the same asks him what he is going to do with it, Surf kicks off a part of the castle, making it collapse, he says somewhat embarrassed that he promised Kaity he would destroy it. Ian smiles and pats him on the back, adding that he did the right thing by fulfilling his word, making Surf grin, the two watch as the thousands of ants that had made a home out of the now destroyed building begin crawling out of the sand in panic.
—————
Confessionals:
Ian: (He rubs the back of his neck), Man, my jaw still hurts from how much I left it hanging. Kaity didn’t even mean to start the fire in the first place, which only makes things worse. And of course, I lost an ally and a friend at the same time! I need to find a way to turn things around for us... we need to win a challenge after everything we’ve been through lately.
Violet: That conversation with Sass opened my eyes... I should start taking this game in a more direct approach, that way I won’t feel so bad when I have to betray people, find ways to throw others under the bus and manipulate my opponents- (she stops for a second) Dammit! I’m starting to sound like my father! But again, it’s for a million dollars, only one of us is getting it at the end...
Surf: Homie, the people on this island really don’t give much of a thought to their surroundings, do they? It’s way more fun living here than the others make it out to be! It’s a shame it all gets overshadowed by the drama, if everyone just sat down one day to relax, I’m sure we’d all have a great time together!
Dylan: Flik has impressed me, but... she’s still not the brightest, she’s showing herself as someone I can trust due to our friendship, but also use as a guinea pig for strategies. (he laughs in a cocky tone) Sass is overlooking just how much using Flik could actually benefit her, I wonder how would she react if she was eliminated by the same person she thinks she’s been controlling this entire time...
—————
A few days later, the contestants are called to the mess hall, specifically the kitchen, Chef Helga stood on the counter eyeing the campers with a stare that could melt steel. She states the host will be away for a week due to legal problems with the burning of Sagebay Island, while he’s gone... she’ll be in charge.
Gulps can be heard from all directions, she may be a tiny old lady, but they were all scared of what she could do, now that she’s taking the host’s place, she has even more power! How would you not be shaking in your boots!? She slams her wooden spoon on the counter to get everyone’s attention:
“Welcome to your ninth challenge, barnacle heads. Since I’ve been making breakfast, lunch, dinner and other rewards for y’all, it’s time for you to repay your end of the deal! We’ll be doing a classic from my time... a cooking battle. You must prepare three separate dishes, an entrance, a main course and dessert. You will be judged on how well made said food is by me... and a face you’re all very familiar with”
As Helga finishes her statement, someone enters the mess hall, to the surprise and dismay of the Mouses... it was Ana. She glared at their fallen faces, Sass on the other hand did not seem upset at all, she had a sly smile plastered on her face:
“That excuse for a woman and I will be rating ya’ll’s dishes with a scoring system that goes from a tiny 0 all the way to a perfect 10. The group with the most points wins invincibility, IS. THAT. CLEAR!?”
Everybody nods in fear. She informs both teams they’ll have to elect a head chef, who will both lead and present the dishes when they are finished. Don and Violet step forward, shocking a few, however, no one had problems with them taking charge. Helga gives them 3 hours to prepare everything they need, as she and Ana leave, a kitchen timer can be heard ticking... time is everything when it comes to cooking, so they better start moving.
For the Sharks, Don suggests they should pair up with whoever they can work with the best. Everybody is content with the idea, after a minute, Angelina looks around, and notices she’s the only one without a partner. Logan, Pratyush and King had already gone off to make the entrance dish... she was stuck between choosing Sammy and Don or Taylor and The Syncopation, she didn’t like either, but the former pair was more tolerable, making her choice obvious. Sammy and Don warmly welcome her despite how she had been acting, she comments “it’s gym class all over again”, even though she never even went to high school.
Since the Mouses had 6 people, they need to form 3 pairs, Ian suggests doing what the Sharks did, while Sass believes they should let the goth choose the duos, she’s the head chef after all. Violet could smell from a mile away what the model was doing, make her do important decisions so if they lose, she’ll take the blame... well, if she wants to play, she won’t hold back, she goes along with Sass‘ idea, and pairs up everyone, she takes Dylan for herself, while she teams up Sass and Ian, leaving Surf and Flik to themselves.
—————
Confessionals:
Ana: That’s right, I’m back bitches! Not permanently, but I’ll take what I can get, life has been good, but I haven’t forgotten how my elimination went down! If you think the Mouses stand any chance at winning this challenge with me here... you are sorely mistaken.
Logan: Crud, I don’t know how to cook... my dad is from the military! We eat everything raw! How am I supposed to help here!? Stupid Chef Helga... why can’t we just keep having physical challenges? (he points at himself angrily) I’m amazing at those!
Flik: Normally cooking! When mean I doesn’t take house my too! I’m literally... good hope happen though, here I down at love because I doesn’t some I this let’s it too burn apparently try instructions.
—————
Pratyush begins ordering Logan and King around, they were at a time strain, so he was a little pushy. When questioned by Logan on whether he actually knew how to cook, Pratyush states he’s not the best, but he’s more organized and attentive than both him and King combined, which the jock thinks is a fair point. As time goes on, their dish turns out... ok, it was clearly burnt, but King states they should leave it as it is, as he doesn’t feel like they’ll be able to do better. Pratyush on the other hand doesn’t share his sentiments, he makes them try again, there’s always room for improvement.
Don is impressed with how well Angelina follows his instructions, she comments on how trash talking cooking channels eventually led her to learning a thing or two about making food. When she asks Don on his abilities, he states somewhat vulnerably that it wasn’t always like this for him... his father left him and his sick mother at a young age, so he had to learn how to take care of himself and support his mom at the same time. Angelina doesn’t know what to say, the mood becomes awkward and somber. Out of the blue, she says his mom must he proud of the man he grew up to be, surprising both Don and her... regardless, Don smiles at her, adding he didn’t expect to hear that from her, she comments she didn’t either.
A similar scene occurs with Dylan and Violet, the former voices his thoughts on how he didn’t expect the goth of all people to step forward as the head chef. Violet, like Don, explains why she’s good at preparing food, her parents divorced, and her mother got most of the childcare time, but since she’s a charity volunteer, she’s not the most present in the house, her father is also a terrible cook, so she’s normally the one who makes dinner for him whenever she’s there. After a while, her skills got more sharpened until where she stands nowadays, unlike Angelina, Dylan doesn’t act too sympathetic, in fact, midway through her story, he got bored and went over to check on Flik and Surf, making Violet pretty angry.
Flik and Surf show Dylan the dessert they created, a neat looking pie! He takes a bite out of it, and immediately regurgitates what he ate! When he looks inside, he notices a green and slimy texture. Dylan asks what ingredients they used, Surf says they used beetles, like the recipe book asked, Dylan takes a look at said book, and after he reads it, he shoves it in the surfer’s face, angrily yelling they were supposed to make a BERRY pie, not a BEETLE pie. Surf and Flik share a look, they knew they had fucked up, but before they could ask Dylan how to fix it, he was already running out the door towards the nearest toilet.
Ian looks at his team, Violet is doing everything by herself, but her anger is making her distracted, Flik and Surf are panicking for god knows what reason, while Sass and Dylan are nowhere to be found, the Sharks on the other hand seemed to be doing great, they’re all getting along. He sees the model walk into the kitchen, and begs her to help him make one good dish, as he doesn’t want to lose another challenge, Sass tells him not to worry, she made sure they won’t see the campfire ceremony today after seeing how chaotic things became. Ian raises an eyebrow at her confidence, she tries to reassure him, saying to trust her on that one, and he claps back that he did so in the past, which didn’t end well for him... but then sighs in defeat, because he doesn’t have any better ideas.
—————
Confessionals:
Dylan: (Dylan is not in camera view, all that can be heard is the sound of him vomiting nonstop)
Pratyush: I proud myself in my organization skills, at least in real life... not so much when it comes to my game. I like King, but he’s a little too immature and inconsistent, while Logan is a dense asshole 80% of the time. And yes, I know this doesn’t mean much coming from me, but you get the point, I wasn’t going to let them make a mess out of our dish!
Angelina: Dammit! (she facepalms) I have no idea why I comforted Don... but now I feel bad about leaving Sammy hanging a week ago, even after that... she’s been treating me with nothing but kindness and respect. Should I try and make things right with her? (she rolls her eyes) ugh, game, stop forcing me to think about other people’s feelings!
—————
Time is up! A stern looking Helga enters the mess hall along with Ana, who seemed nervous for some reason. The teams reunite and put their dishes on the table for the two ladies to judge them.
The Sharks were up first, Don presents what they made confidently, the entrance is french fries, the main plate is a whole turkey, while the dessert is a chocolate cake, everything is neatly put together. Helga seems to enjoy every dish, but does point out it’s still amateurish, regardless, they did quite well, Ana on the other hand nitpicks every single thing about their food, and forces displeasure whenever she takes a bite.
The Sharks’ final score is...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...21/60.
Helga gave them 7’s on every dish, while Ana didn’t give them a single point.
After that came the Mouses, Violet lacks enthusiasm when selling what her team prepared. The entrance was... a burnt pretzel, the main dish was undercooked spaghetti, and dessert was... a beetle pie. They both vomit after tasting the pie, Helga complains this is one of the most horrible presentations she’s seen on her career, while Ana... seems to be crying, but she tries to hide it, she gives every single dish universal praise.
The Mouses’ final score is...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...30/60.
Helga gave them no points at all, while Ana gave every plate 10’s across the board.
Helga eyes Ana with a clear judgement of her scoring decisions...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...Nonetheless, she announces the Mouses as the winners, she can’t be bothered to do a recount.
The Mouses erupt in celebration, they had been longing for the chance to redeem themselves, and that moment was now. Helga adds that along with invincibility, they’ll be able to eat everything they have prepared as a reward! Hearing this, they all burst out of the mess hall. She sighs and turns to the Sharks, commenting it’s been a while since their last loss, but now... they’re back on the chopping block, she’ll look forward seeing who they’ll choose to devour.
—————
The Mouses come back to camp with a sense of fulfillment, sure, it was a very questionably earned win, but they didn’t care, one round of safety is one round of safety, and that’s the truth.
Ian and Flik argue about whether deja-vu is a type of bird or the name of some weird 90’s pop song, neither speaks french so there’s no way of knowing, in the end, they respectfully agree to disagree.
Later, Ian and Flik can be seen discussing deja-vu, they can’t come to the conclusion of whether it’s a disease or the name of a forgotten one-hit wonder. Both get the sentiment that they had this conversation before, they’re informed by a nearby Violet that this is what deja-vu is, a feeling of familiarity that you can’t quite put into words where you got it from.
Inside of the male’s cabin, Surf sat on his bunk, he hears the sound of someone walking over to him. He looks up to find... Sass, she had a flirty look on her face, of course, he becomes red like a tomato instantly, she puts her manicured hand on his shoulder, and whispers on his ear that she knows he likes her. He shivers at the sudden contact, she tells him in a soft tone that all he has to do for her to like him back... is to do everything she says from now on. She questions if he understood, and he repeatedly nods, that’s a good enough answer for her, she gets up, and leaves him alone to ease the sexual tension.
—————
Confessionals:
Ian: Now that Violet brought this to my attention... I have been getting this “deja-vu” feeling, me bonding with Surf, my argument with Sass, and then Flik and i talking about the same thing twice... (he scratches his head) I can’t tell if this is all a huge coincidence or if the writers are running out of ideas.
Sass: (She’s laughing non-stop), I can’t believe my plan worked! I did a little blackmailing. I told Ana that if she didn’t make us win, I would reveal she has family band, the “Spicer Family”, she told me before she was eliminated about how she didn’t want the world to find out because it would ruin her reputation... well, karma is a bitch! (She starts laughing again, before falling inside the toilet). Ew! Okay... maybe I deserved that (she pulls herself out), and about Surf... well, you can never have too many puppets.
Surf: What was that!? Did I just get a girlfriend without realizing!? My friends told me before coming here that if I get one, my heart is going to feel different. It doesn’t... one of my legs feels a little weird though, you know, that one in the middle that’s really small for some reason? What does this all mean!?
—————
If something happened once, you could bet it was possible to happen again. Yes, it was a bullshit outcome, but the Sharks once again felt the taste of being on the losing end, it was bound for fate to repeat itself one day.
The Syncopation has quite the meltdown, their two most recent losses weren’t the fairest in his eyes, he still doesn’t want to admit he’s afraid of Nickelback songs, but he had a point about losing this challenge. Nonetheless, he was becoming an annoyance to the team in the state he was in, Sammy attempts to calm him down, however, she’s stopped by Taylor, who pushes her away and tells her to mind her own business, before pulling Sync away from her.
Taylor drags him to the forest, before setting him down, Sync laughs, commenting she acted as mad as the last time they were there. Truth be told, back when they were eavesdropping on Sammy and Don... they heard the last tidbit about Pratyush, what went down afterwards is where things get interesting:
Taylor feels a little embarrassed at how she had just acted, The Syncopation asks her what that was all about, and of course she wasn’t going to tell him why, but she didn’t think he was going to let it go. So instead, she turns the argument against him, questioning why he followed her, he also doesn’t have an answer... the tension rises, and neither tries to break the silence... until their eyes meet, they look deep into each other, and that seemed like all the confirmation they needed. They both lean in, and kiss, after about a minute, they stop to catch their breathes... they look at each other again, Taylor comments on how weird she feels, Sync shares the sentiment, he rarely feels this way... there’s just something really captivating about her, he actually likes her, and isn’t just attracted to her, Taylor tells Sync she feels the same way, but she didn’t know the best way to go about it, she never had a “real” relationship, which he can relate to.
Eventually, they started dating, however, unlike Don and Sammy, they didn’t tell anyone, as it wouldn’t end well to oust themselves as an obvious pair, they’re still figuring things out... but it seems like things are much more stable now that they’re not trying to one-up each other, they work as a team, a very deadly one at that. They decided on a target, as one can imagine, there can only be one power couple on this island. Taylor says she wants Sammy voted out, she’s a very dangerous social threat, and if they don’t do something now, she’ll be unstoppable, Sync agrees, however, he doesn’t think with the team’s current state that they’ll be able to get enough people to vote her out. That only leaves one person, the loner who has been making himself more and more unlikable lately... it was their best shot at that point, they agree that Sync will tell Logan who to vote for, while Taylor will work her magic on the rest of the team due to his meltdown from earlier.
Don pulls Pratyush aside in the male’s side of the cabin, he apologizes for the way he treated him, he hasn’t been able to fully fit in yet, which is why he’s been so abrasive. Pratyush is aware that Don’s only talking with him because of the fact that he’s on the chopping block, but he does feel bad, he seemed genuine, and Sammy told him how much she cared for him. He nods, and accepts his apology, he asks him the plan, and Don responds he’ll be voting for someone who has been very sketchy lately, he thinks it would be better to get said person out of the equation.
Everything was nearly set, they only needed one more vote to force a tie, and to Sammy’s surprise, Angelina approaches her, she begins tearfully apologizing, crying that she’s never had friends before, everyone on the internet is so fake, and she didn’t believe she would find a person who genuinely cared for her here. Sammy understands where she’s coming from, she attempts to give her a hug, but Angelina stops her, saying she still hates any kind of contact. As her friend, Angelina also tells her the team is targeting Don... and she may jump on that train, Sammy is surprised, she questions why she would do that after what she said... the agoraphobe responds that it’s the game, he told her his story during the challenge, and if she’s sitting at the end with him... she may get crushed pretty badly. Sammy... tears up, she had just started a relationship with someone, and now they were going to take him away. Things angers Angelina, she tells Sammy to create more of a backbone, this is why everything hasn’t been going well for her, she’s too nice, she needs to start letting her anger out more. Sammy takes her words to heart... take her anger out... she may know where to start.
—————
Confessionals:
The Syncopation: Sorry not sorry Donnie, you had your chance to prove yourself, but time and time again, you did the exact opposite. You showed me you’re as useless as Mya, as annoying as Gretchen, and as dumb as Logan, what a loser! Even if he knows that he’s going, I won’t be shocked if he’s still surprised!
Don: (he sighs) Well... I tried everything that I could, I think my time has come, regardless, I made some pretty darn good memories here. I got a girlfriend, and maybe... I got a little bit out of my shell, I learned a lot while on here, and I may not have won the million, but the experience was worth it.
Taylor: I’ve never been on a real relationship before, but now that I’m dating The Syncopation (she sighs), It’s nice, we share a lot in common, we’ve been able to work better together now that we cleared the air, and he’s fucking hot! Doesn’t mean I’ll stop flirting for my game, and neither will he for that matter. But... it’s good to have someone to count on, I guess... look, it’s still a novelty for the both of us, don’t judge!
Sammy: (she wipes a tear from her eye), I guess this is it... I didn’t want this to happen, but no one seems to be budging... I’m making sure his elimination won’t be in vain. Im following Angelina’s advice a bit, this person has been pretty quiet lately, however, they shouldn’t be ignored, they’re a monster... and I’m going to give them a little paranoia tonight.
—————
The 8 Mouses sat on the tree stumps, awaiting for the Campfire Ceremony to start. Chef Helga calmly made her way to her spot across from the camper, she held a tray with 7 heavily marshmallows on her hand... they looked delicious!
After everyone casts their votes, Helga begins explaining the elimination process. King tells her to hurry up, causing him to get hit on the head with a marshmallow, she yells that it’s her first time doing this, he doesn’t have to be so mean, and adds that he’s safe with no votes against him.
The other campers with no votes against them are...
Sammy
Pratyush
Angelina
The Syncopation
Taylor, Logan and Don remained, Helga states all three of them got at least one vote. Sammy hugs Don’s arm, while Taylor can feel Sync holding her hand discreetly, Logan sighs at the fact that he has no one to comfort him.
Avoiding the bottom 2 is...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...Logan
He is a bit surprised by the outcome, but he’s not complaining! Taylor huffs, this is the second time in a row she’s been in the bottom 2. Don looked ready for what was about to happen next, no matter who goes, a partner’s heart will be broken today.
The final marshmallow goes to...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...Taylor
She releases the breath she had been holding as she catches her marshmallow, Don gets up, turns to his team and says he bears no resentment to any of them, and wishes them all good luck, before walking towards the Dock of Shame.
Before he can step on the Boat of Losers, he’s stopped by Sammy, she holds his hands and states she’s going to miss him a lot, he kisses her hand, showing how he feels the same way. As the boat takes him away... he had a look of fulfillment on his face, he yells at Sammy to win for him, which she promises she’ll do, before he disappears into the night.
—————
Oh, I guess I’m doing voice-overs as well, anyway, Don was chewed out of the team, that must suck for Sammy, but she shouldn’t have made their relationship so obvious if she didn’t want him to go in the first place!
Now that The Syncopation and Taylor have tied the knot, will they suffer the same fate as Sammy and Don? How will Sammy deal with the loss of her beloved? Will Surf go along with Sass’ demands to get her? Wow, there’s been a lot of talk about love and lust today... ugh, younglings
To find out the answers to all these questions, tune in next time! On ISLAND... OF... CHALLENGES!
—————
Votes:
Don: Angelina, King, Logan, Taylor and The Syncopation
Taylor: Don and Pratyush
Logan: Sammy
—————
Thoughts on Don:
Yeah... I know, a somewhat predictable elimination, but I thought it would be better to do it this way so I could start setting up Sammy’s character for the future. Anyway, Don was one of my favorites this season, and I’m sure his elimination will come as a shock to some of you, I didn’t think highly of him at first, but I was surprised with how much I was able to get out of him once he started interacting with Sammy. Overall, his presence will be noted. Also, I hope the Beetle Pie becomes a thing.
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2020.09.04 00:35 Deutschkuchen Bachelorette Party guilt

Hey there. I’ve always had anxiety and a few years ago experience some agoraphobic related panic attacks. It was traumatizing and lead to missing work for a month but I got it under control and was able to resume life normally for three years. This pandemic has brought them back and I have been working overtime at my job (essential worker in healthcare field with kids-therapy). It’s very apparent we are all burnt out and exhausted. Last month I was able to take a long weekend trip to the beach (my favorite place!) and spent the entire time a panicky, shivering, nauseous mess. It was awful and only made things worse. Now I have a bachelorette party this weekend at a different beach that I’ve never been to, much further away. I decided I would drive separately as one precaution. But the closer we get to the leaving date the worse I feel. This is my only and last chance to take a mental reprieve from work for a long while, I have no idea how it’s going to go, most of the bridesmaids said they couldn’t go a while ago so there are only a few left and I just feel terrible about letting the bride down. The other members of the party had most of this past summer off and are excited to be going somewhere relaxing and I’ve just been spending every commute home sobbing in my car. What should I do? Do I attempt to go or just allow myself this rest time? This problem I’ve been having is on the brides radar, I’ve let her know I’m not feeling super well.
submitted by Deutschkuchen to Anxiety [link] [comments]


2020.09.01 02:50 AnxietyExitMalnoro What do I do when I can't get help?

New-alt/possibly throwaway account. Mobile formatting. The works.
I've been married to my husband for five years. We married young and we're still young (early 20s, het relationship.) For the first three years, he struggled with having LL. He was dealing with severe depression and anxiety, we worked passed it.
I know I have severe depression and anxiety, and I likely need professional help, but that's not in the budget. I'm bordering agoraphobic. I'm finding sex very difficult lately. Even intimacy is hard.
I find myself incredibly uncomfortable when he initiates, and even porn just aggravates my anxiety. It makes me feel frustrated and disgusted. I just... don't really feel aroused.
I thought it would pass and it was just a faze following the waxing and waning of my depressive cycles, but it seems to even follow me on good days.
Today... I had sex with my husband. I desperately want him to know I love him to bits, and one of his love languages is intimate touch. But when we finished I realized I felt incredibly uncomfortable. This discomfort with sex bleeds into everything I do with intimacy and I'm finding I'm scared of being intimate because of the implication of sex. I'm attracted to him, I'm just not attracted to sex anymore.
None of this is his fault. He's been very patient, and very understanding. I've only been distant like this for the last few months, and while he loves sex, he loves sex where I'm enthusiastic of course. Obligated sex isn't fun for anyone.
I'm considering opening the relationship for him. I've never been the jealous sort. I don't really feel competitive, or possessive. Thinking about it, sex is a need like any other, and while I'd still want to be intimate with him, and I'd still like to be his highest priority (just under our son), I don't really care if he'd go out on a date from time to time, and hooks up (safely of course. No bringing home surprises except leftover chicken parm). I'm not interested in dating, so it would be one way. I want to focus on my mental health, and maybe, some time soon, I can get back to my old HL self.
I'd still be cuddly, intimate, have long conversations with him, and let him rant about his dumb co-workers, like usual, but doing so without any sexual pressure or tension would ease a lot of this anxiety I feel until I can get back to my old self.
The issue is... I know he wouldn't go for the idea of him getting his sexual needs fulfilled by someone else... But I don't think he realizes the kind of pressure that puts on me.
I'm not sure what to do, but I'm going to have a talk with him this afternoon. I know this is very rambly, but I've been locked in my head for several weeks about this and maybe some internet stranger might have some perspective.
submitted by AnxietyExitMalnoro to DeadBedrooms [link] [comments]


2020.08.18 13:37 Risen197 Do I confront a mentally unstable abusive parent that believes she's done what's right? (TLDR AT BOTTOM)

So to give you the full picture, I've 3 brothers, we'll call them M, AA and J. J and AA are my older brothers, and M is my younger.
My only full brother is AA, as M and J both have different parents.
So to start things off, well before I was born my mother had 2 relationships, both ended up being verbally abusive to her, cheating and in time abandoning her, I was 8 months old when my biological dad left, and my brother only 2 years (AA)
From what I know, my mother also went through trauma via her father sexually abusing her when she was younger and the rest of my family (she has 2 sisters and 1 brother, including her mum) swept it under the rug since he was himself mentally unstable and that's just what my family does apparently, leaving my mother to deal with it alone, and pretending like nothing happened.
So, my childhood was... Relatively normal, I can't remember much of it now at 22, but I do know she did her best to give me, AA and J a good childhood. That was until she met M's father.
They hadn't been dating long before she ended up pregnant by him and he seemed like just a regular decent guy, who was crazy about his motorbikes and loved to go out riding and hanging with other bikers. He had 2 daughters of his own and they were just a regular normal family, although he didn't have much to do with their lives other than sending them money and taking them shopping.
To make this shorter I'll just sort of cut through the prime events that happened during their relationship
-M is born
-We all move to a different village far away to avoid her weird family
-Mum gets a heart condition leading to numerous heart attack, and 2 strokes
-M's dad gets more abusive, threatening, shouting and the relationship between him and my mum is falling apart
-M's dad becomes increasingly violent to my mum pinning her down and screaming at her
-Mum doesn't call the police until one day when he attempted to murder her with the phone wire.
-Nothing comes from them doing this as my mother tries to avoid any court systems and things like that as she's agoraphobic, and just wants to move on with life keeping us happy and safe (sweeping it all under the rug)
-Myself and AA enter highschool, constantly being bullied and being outcasts as we didn't really know how to socialize with others
-My mother starts to party with J's friends, staying up until 2 AM, kissing his younger mates and leaving us in the house while she goes out to drink
-J and mother have a huge argument, he leaves home
-Mother stops partying and makes the decision to pull myself and AA out of highschool to home tutor, only to never actually teach us and just tell us to go online and use other sources (I was in year 7, my brother in 8)
-Mother let's her agoraphobia rub off on us by reminding us how horrible the world is and how bad people are, not letting us see our very few friends in case of pedophiles or people coming to attack us
-Mother struggling with money day to day, our diets consisted of a packet of crisp and a chocolate bar.
-Mother meets a man who helps her out with money, buys her a new TV, an expensive dog and tries to get her to do things he likes
-Man ends up being manipulative and cheats on my mother
-AA comes out as gay, my mother questions it before accepting it
-Both AA and myself started suffering with suicidal thoughts and anxiety.
-AA finally snaps and leaves home arguing with my mother whom used to slit her wrists, saying how much he hated her, she always says she's done her best for us.
-Just Myself and M living at home. M has ADHD and is a bit brattish but that's because he's young and undisciplined, as my mother would give into any demand he has because she wants to be a good mum.
-Mum ends up getting more animals in her small home with little funds impacting even more on M's and myself as she refused to walk them, leaving only myself to do so
-M is also pulled out of school and not actually home taught due to how poor the school treated my brother for his mental state
-House is constantly messy, until mother's family decide to bring us back to our original home town and try to get my mum sorted mentally
-I finally snap one day at my mother exclaiming at how she never gets any help around the house and how useless her kids are (I was the only one who would mop up after the dogs, do the washing and look after M)
-She tells me she wishes she never had me, I say I wish I was never her son and how my anxiety is her fault, she states all the good things she's done and tries to throw me out.
-AA moves in with my partner and I to get him out of the situation with my mother, helping him get on his feet
---TL:DR
Mentally unstable mother who was abused is over protective and makes poor decisions leading her kids to fall into depression, anxiety and self harm, with no education.
My mother well and truly believes she's done her best for us and whenever we had even mentioned anything she'd just go on a rampage about how hard her life was and show us self harm scars, she would call her animals her "Kids" and give them more attention and looked after them better than her own, we had the internet and computers as our only way out of this hell.
I no longer really talk to her but she's constantly trying to get back in touch, asking about me, messaging my brothers and making out I'm being ignorant, I don't know at this stage if it's best to actually throw all of it on the table and confront her, or just let the dementia and brain aneurysms do their thing and slowly take her, try to make her happy and pretend like everything is okay for my younger brothers sake?
At this point I feel so lost and I don't know what's right or wrong. My now husband to be is so supportive and without him I doubt I'd even be here, he seems to think I should just ignore my family and focus on what we have now, leave the past behind and cut her out
submitted by Risen197 to Advice [link] [comments]


2020.08.14 02:42 Shiromifeari [TD] Island of Challenges: Episode 8

Last time... on Island of Challenges
Campers faced their most terrifying fears! Phobias that would make a normal person pee on their pants... just kidding! Most were pretty stupid, and as you’d expect, everyone overcame their terrors! Well... besides The Syncopation, giving the Mellow Mouses their first win after 3 losses in a row, what a comeback!
But not everything was rainbows and sunshine on the Mouses, Annika had problems with their recent victory, and worried for her team’s future due to her fear of leaving this game so soon. Kaity was also caught spying on others, or so they thought, when in reality, her head just works differently from everyone else’s, i mean, she declared war against an entire bird species...
After so many rounds without losing, the tension that had been building up ever since their last loss finally broke out on the Sharks, names were thrown everywhere! what could have possibly been an open and shut vote against Don escalated into a messy back and forth between players, all because of one little comment made by King...
Amidst the chaos, Gretchen was taken out in a 5-2-2 vote for being a general annoyance to team. Taylor and Don were the other two vote receivers, and while one was more than glad to stay in this game, the other was pissed to have even been in the bottom to begin with, you know who they are.
We have reached the Top 16, the standard number of players for a Survivor season! What will be the next challenge? What other dramas will emerge? And who will be the next person to have their torch snuffed?
Find out the answers to all these questions and more right now! On ISLAND... OF... CHALLENGES!
—————

Episode 8: This Game

—————
Current Status:
Snarky Sharks: Angelina, Don, King, Logan, Pratyush, Sammy, Taylor and The Syncopation
Mellow Mouses: Annika, Dylan, Flik, Ian, Kaity, Surf, Sass and Violet
—————
The Sharks are seen returning to camp, despite the tense strategizing before the vote... the aftermath was not the worst thing ever. Gretchen was like their own Ana, so her leaving wasn’t going to be the a tremendous setback.
Logan in particular was glad his arch-nemesis was out of the picture, finally, Gretchen wasn’t in the game anymore, meaning there isn’t anyone else on the team that was going to make his stay on the island a living nightmare! making him happily dance, unfortunately... that wasn’t entirely true, she wasn’t the only problem he had to deal with. He suddenly looks around, feeling like someone was staring at him, and indeed there was, Angelina was glaring at him from the distance, he sticks out his tongue to her, making her roll her eyes, before entering the female side of the cabin.
Sammy and Pratyush meet up near the forest trail, the person Sammy wanted to eliminate did not leave, as such, she wanted to have more allies on her side. What better way to start than reconnecting with others? Plus, Pratyush is wishy-washy, so she may be able to get information out of him. She asks him what happened at the vote, and he explains he doesn’t know much himself, but he heard Gretchen’s name being thrown around by The Syncopation, Taylor and Logan, and that he convinced Angelina to help them get rid of her. She is a bit surprised after hearing Taylor’s name... maybe she somehow found out they were targeting her, and swayed the votes away from her? Still, that new info was key, Taylor was not as dumb as she acted like. Sammy also asks Pratyush if he would be down to teaming up, he responds that he’ll align with anyone, he just needs a good enough reason, before leaving her to gather her thoughts.
Speaking of Taylor, she wasn’t happy about what transpired in the elimination ceremony, getting knocked off her high horse left her frustrated. The Syncopation was not helping, as he kept teasing her on how nervous she got after being in the bottom 2, she tries to make him shut up by trailing her finger down his shirt, however, she didn’t get the response she hoped. He grabs her wrist and tells her to “quit the act”, this sudden action shocks Taylor, how did he find out!? He explains he saw what went down between her, Logan and Gretchen, after that, it was easy to connect the dots. He doesn’t really care if she’s lying, but she made a crucial mistake, and threatens her, if she doesn’t want him telling everyone she’s been putting an act, she is going to be HIS dumb girl, like he intended from the beginning. She asks if he’s just trying to flirt with her, and he responds with a cryptic maybe, but that he wasn’t lying about the rest, if she doesn’t do everything he says on... she can say goodbye to whatever credibility she had built. As much as she didn’t like to admit... she had been backed into a corner, she wasn’t planning to go along with it, but just so that he would stop breathing down her neck, she begrudgingly accepts. He chuckles at how easy she gave in, giving her a mocking pat on the back, and calling her an amateur, which causes her to push him to the ground, he didn’t seem to care about it though, he got what he wanted: her.
—————
Confessionals:
Logan: Woohoo, she’s finally gone! (He kicks the door in excitement, and accidentally breaks it) Crap... but now that I think about it, how have we not voted off Angelina yet!? She’s annoying, anti-social, and doesn’t add to the team in any aspect... she may have slid under my radar because of Gretchen, but I’m not gonna let her keep ruining my game if we lose again!
Pratyush: Well well well... haven’t the tables turned, I used to be one going after Sammy for validation, now SHE is trying to get MY vote! It feels so surreal compared to how I started. I’ve called the shots on who went home more than once, and everyone still underestimates me! Could this be any more perfect?
King: (He spits on the ground, and then sighs in annoyance). This fucking game... I should have known that bastard was up to something. Why is this so hard!? Every time I try do something I think will lead to good, it ends in shit instead. Oddly reminds me of my life (He sighs), I’m not giving up though, I promised I would be a better person without... her, and I’m going to keep on trying, even if that gets me eliminated.
The Syncopation: This is too fucking easy, do I think Taylor is gonna take me seriously? Nah, but is she going to double-cross me? Doubt it (he rolls his eyes, not that you can see it since he’s wearing shades), I mean, how can you resist this? (he showcases himself). I have been asleep for too long, it’s about time I made my presence as a villain clear as day, blackmail is only the beginning...
—————
Skipping a few days forward, the campers gather at the beach. They are told to come in their swimwear, however, they’re a bit surprised to see the host wearing one as well, along with a life-vest, he actually looked nice... still made a few cringe at the scene though. He welcomes everybody, and begins explaining what they’ll have to do today:
“Good afternoon fellas! For this week’s challenge, you guys won’t actually compete here...”
This information gets a few eyebrows raised, he steps out of the way, revealing an island a few kilometers in the distance, the contestants question how they never noticed it was there.
“That... is Sagebay island, neighbor of Kona island, the one we are on right now. Sagebay is known for its white sand, vigorous vegetation and peaceful ambiance... so of course, we are sending you guys there to wreck it! You will pair up in these 8 canoes, 4 for each team, and make your way to to the island. Once you’re there, start a rescue fire, and then... come back! The team that entirely returns here first will win invincibility!”
The Mouses deliberate who is going on each canoe, because that’s the most important thing they have to worry about, Sass believes everybody should pair up with whoever they want, while Ian thinks they should balance things out so they can all go at about the same pace. They take a vote, and as you’d expect, Ian is crushed after everyone declares support to Sass’ idea, the pairs end up being: Ian/Surf, Sass/Flik, Kaity/Violet and Dylan/Annika.
The Sharks are not so diplomatic, once again, they take too long to decide who should go with who, giving the Mouses a significant lead. Sammy notices their discussing is slowing them, so she relays a small speech on how they can’t let the Mouses beat them again, she’s straight to the point, which gets everyone listening. She suggests picking random partners to “break the ice”, as even though they’ve lived together for weeks, it doesn’t feel like they know each other that well, the idea is good enough to get everyone moving, the pairs formed are: Sync/Pratyush, Don/King, Angelina/Taylor and Sammy/Logan.
—————
Confessionals:
Kaity: After days of deliberating, I’ve concluded that Violet is the least likely person to be lying to me, I will try and form a connection with her while we are isolated completely. Given her recent behavior... it’s a bit of a gamble, but hopefully, it will pay off nicely, and I won’t look like an idiot in the process!
Sammy: (She rubs her head in frustration), you know... I had to step in before things got out of control, that’s how we do it back home. Even though we’re not a big family, we’re all motivated to beat the Mouses, I think I’ve managed to channel that again. I just don’t know about being stuck Logan, I don’t like judging appearances, but he’s not the nicest person... still, keep your head up high Sammy! It can’t be that bad.
—————
Kaity spends a good majority of their trip retelling her misadventures to Violet, the goth is confused about the parts involving royalty, pigeons murdering her parents and... actually the whole story in general, however, she gets the gist of it: she wants to align with her, she accepts it in a heartbeat, as she is in desperate need of allies. Kaity also tells her she loved her performance of “Busted” in the talent show, and asks where she pulled inspiration to write it, Violet is about to talk about her father’s criminal activities, however, a big wave hits their canoe! Making them lose focus on the topic.
They eventually reach Sagebay island, they find Sass, Flik, Ian and Surf lounging around, because apparently they can’t start the fire until everyone is there, it takes a while until Annika and Dylan arrive, since Annika got seasick midway through. All that waiting makes Kaity pretty impatient... to start the flames, they were given tools, including gasoline... and in a hurry, Kaity causes a massive explosion! Making their canoes fly far away into the ocean! After the dust and ringing noises start dissipating, the Mouses all start glare at the cooky girl.
Much to their misfortune, the Sharks arrive right after the explosion, they quickly start a rescue fire with no difficulties or arguments, and make their way back to Kona. The Mouses start to panic, why wouldn’t they!? They’re stuck on Sagebay, there’s a raging fire nearby, and they’re really close to losing the challenge. The flames rise even more, making them run far away from it, trying to avoid being enveloped by the smoke.
On the way back, Logan and Sammy lag behind slightly, as Sammy’s arms were starting to hurt from repeating the same movement over and over again. This makes Logan frustrated, after all, now of all time she’s going to have to rest? He tells her to pull through, they can’t afford to lose now that they’re so close to victory, he gets a little too pushy for her taste, regardless, she does what he asks, and helps him row, as much as it hurts her to do it.
In the end...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...The Sharks easily snatch the win!
When they arrive, the Mouses were still all the way back on the other island, they begin celebrating at their opponents’ failure, as horrible as it is to say that, but hey, a win is a win. The host congratulates their comeback, and reveals the reward they’ve earned... an all-you-eat rotisserie buffet under the stars! Even more cheers arise from the group... after all... MEAT!
About an hour later, a rescue boat driven by an intern comes along to pick up the Mouses, as they sail towards the main camp, the host informs them of their loss, as such, while the Sharks will have a dinner date with invincibility, they’ll have a deadly date with him at the Campfire Ceremony, where another player will be voted out of the game. Surf questions what production is going to do about the conflagration started on Sagebay, and the host responds that they’ll put it out later... maybe.
—————
The Sharks are seen preparing for the event, which was basically a barbecue, so there wasn’t any need to be super fancy. While the victory was nice... it wasn’t enough to keep everybody in check, problem always finds a way to arise...
On the male side of the cabin, Pratyush and Don notice King and The Syncopation staying as far away from each other as possible, Pratyush whispers how one little thing can turn the tightest allies against each other. Don rebuts that they weren’t allies to begin with, but gets his reasoning, he then proceeds to ask somewhat rudely if that’s how he pushed away all the people willing to work with him, Pratyush gets a bit defensive over his question, calling out Don, stating he hasn’t exactly been playing clean either, and... that was the trigger, a big argument breaks out between the two, to the point where they almost get physical, King and Logan try to keep them apart, while Sync laughs through the whole thing. They hear banging on the wall... it was Taylor, she yells at them to keep it down, causing Don to tell her to fuck off, before storming out of the room.
On the female’s side, Taylor is baffled at what she just heard, she goes over to check on what happened between the guys, giving Sammy an opportunity to confront Angelina alone, after all, she did go behind her and Don’s backs... she wanted to know what happened from her. While one would expect this conflict to be easily resolved, this is not the route the agoraphobe went. Angelina says straight to her face that while them teaming up is “cute and whatnot”, this is still a game, she doesn’t own her any explanation or satisfaction, quite literally, she doesn’t even let Sammy speak before getting up and leaving the cabin. These words cut deep on the southern belle, she really felt like her and Angelina started connecting past their need to align, but no... she was just another pawn for her... Sammy sits on the bed, hugs her knees and lets a few tears slide down her face...
—————
Confessionals:
Angelina: I don’t need friends, they disappoint me. What? Did Sammy seriously think just because she was nice to me that I would be indebted to her? Bitch, no! If anything, SHE owns ME after I saved her boyfriend from going home last round! (she sighs and crosses her arms), this game...
Don: (Don seemed to be having a panic attack) Why did I call Pratyush a backstabber? Why did I almost get into a fist fight? Why did I tell Taylor to fuck off!? Ugh! What is wrong with me!? This game drives me fucking nuts! I’m normally pretty blunt, but since there’s so many annoying people here... I kind of get out of control easily. Sammy came crying to me, but she didn’t tell me what was wrong... at least I managed to help her calm down for the barbecue... still, feels like I can’t control shit at this point!
Taylor: It’s surprising how easily you can get information in this game, people don’t know how to be quiet! Those two fights were... interesting to say the least, and i wasn’t even present for either! The obvious couple were both involved in said conflicts one way or another. And since, you know, they are an obvious couple... we may need to pull a divorce soon, if you know what I mean. (she winks at the camera)
—————
Another loss, another elimination, what’s new? The Mouses were accustomed to it by this point, however, the fear of going home was something that would never become common to them.
As they returned to camp after being dropped off by the boat, it was time to worry about the Campfire Ceremony, however, one could say the target for elimination was obvious. Sass reunites her alliance in the mess hall, so... everyone but Violet and Kaity, and asks if there is any objections to voting off the latter, Dylan raises his hand, she shoots him down, but he still speaks up, he asks... what if he doesn’t want to vote the cooky girl? Sass questions why he would do that, and his answer is... he’s Dylan, he does what he wants. The model rolls her eyes, and dismisses everyone, leaving Dylan by himself, he is left pissed at the fact he was completely ignored.
Annika didn’t feel good about Kaity leaving suddenly, she felt bad for her, so she couldn’t let her go without at least warning her... she finds Kaity sitting on a log, making strange drawings on the mud, she sits beside her, and begins comforting her. Kaity scoots away, being weirded out by her actions, she questions why the sudden affection, and Annika responds that... she’s getting voted off tonight, and she’s trying to make her not feel bad, Kaity is shocked after hearing this, she doesn’t know how to react... Well, she was aware of why they would target her, but is she serious? Did Annika seriously just go out of her way to tell her that? In her mind, she‘s the one to blame for this, after all, she made her impatient by getting seasick! Kaity gets up, looks at Annika, and thanks her for the warning, because now, she is getting her voted off the island, before jogging away. Annika gulps at how confidently she said that, however, she tries to calm herself, there’s no way she would be able to convince people to turn against her, right...?
If she could or not, that was the question, but Kaity for sure was working to make that a reality, she comes up to Violet, and tells her everything, she needs her help to stay, the goth really just wanted to vote off Sass already, but it didn’t seem like the cooky girl would be changing her mind. They ponder over who would be the best people to convince to vote off Annika... and those were Surf and Ian, at least, they would probably be the only ones who would consider their offer, as such, they split up to go find them.
It doesn’t take long for Violet to find Ian, who was stretching on the beach, waiting for the ceremony to begin, there is very little time left, she has to make it count, she proposes her idea, and he politely refuses, as it would be dumb to flip for no reason. Violet starts asking him hard hitting questions to try and make him change his mind, if he really thinks after Kaity and her are gone that the other girls will keep him around... he actually considers it, he queries, was there ever an all-female alliance? Violet is surprised at his question, but responds that... yes, there was supposed to be, but then Flik called over Dylan, and the rest is history. Ian stops stretching, that was a huge piece of information... he looks at Violet... and tells her he’ll consider it, she’s says that’s all she asks, before turning around and leaving, after she’s gone, he sighs in relief, if there is no real female alliance, then he has to make sure no one will overpower him and his friends... voting out Annika may be the start.
—————
Confessionals:
Annika: Kaity thinks she can make people vote me off, I doubt it (her expression goes from cocky to nervous in about a split second), ok, I am pretty nervous... I’ve been targeted a lot lately, so what’s to say it won’t happen again? (she hugs her own scarf) please! I don’t wanna go home!
Dylan: Sass thinks that she can bully me, she is very wrong, I will make her stop the abuse, Otherwise I’m not Dylan, #stopmahabuse!
Sass: Finally, fucking finally! (she says with a mild hint of enthusiasm in her voice), things are looking up for me! These morons are actually listening to reason, now, I am 90% confident in saying that... I have finally gotten control of this team. Still, I am holding for that 10% just to make sure I don’t end up wrong, it’s genius.
Surf: Bruhde... so my man Ian came up and said he’s planning on voting Annika, but Sass wants to eliminate Kaity? What do i do!? Either way I piss off my bro or my babe... well, I did say I wanted to finish my bucket list, so... (he pulls out a coin from his pocket), time to make an important decision with the flip of a coin! (he tosses the coin in the air, it falls in the toilet) wait, no!
—————
Night falls on Kona Island, the Mouses are reunited, just to see one of them leave the reunion abruptly... they all stared at the fire, across from it, stood the host, with his tray of 7 marshmallows in hand. He comments that he expected a bit more of them, but he guesses that luck just isn’t on their side lately.
After the votes are cast, he picks up marshmallows, and tosses them to...
Violet
Surf
Dylan
Flik
Ian
The bottom 3 were Sass, Annika and Kaity, all of them looked dead serious as the host announces everyone left has received at least a vote, immediately, Sass rolls her eyes.
The next marshmallow is handed to...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...Sass
The marshmallow lands in her hand, as she scoffs and throws it to Flik, who loves eating them. Annika and Kaity glared at each other, that was it... one of them was going to leave the island for good...
The final marshmallow went to...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...Kaity
The cooky girl is left shocked as the marshmallow pelts her, it seemed like she wasn’t expecting that outcome at all, Violet looks back at Ian and Surf, and gives them a small smile, which they return. Flik has her mouth hanging open, as the marshmallow she was eating lands on the ground, Sass huffs in annoyance, she was outplayed, AGAIN.
Annika looks heartbroken as she stares at the empty tray, she walks down the Dock of Shame with a hunched back and watery eyes. As she boards the Boat of Losers, she waves at her teammates, still, a very deep pit formed in her stomach, as the boat eventually disappears with her...
—————
Wow, a torch was snuffed today, one of hope for Miss Annika! Still, she will be in for a surprise at what’s about to come for her...
She barely survived! will Kaity continue to keep luck in her favor? Will people actually vote off Sass instead of just targeting her allies? And will the Sharks ever have a moment of peace?
Find out the answers to all these questions, and more! next time, on ISLAND... OF... CHALLENGES!
—————
Votes:
Annika: Ian, Kaity, Surf and Violet
Kaity: Annika, Flik and Sass
Sass: Dylan
—————
Thoughts on Annika:
Oh poor Annika, she didn’t really fit anywhere, and right as it seemed like she was getting involved with the others, she gets eliminated, what a cruel world we live in. This episode was fine for the standards I held for it, still, I loved that the elimination came down to the flip of a coin, lol.
submitted by Shiromifeari to BrantSteele [link] [comments]


2020.08.14 01:28 ThisIsWhatLifeIs Mischa Barton talks about the drama that happened on set of The OC

Quotes:
"There was so much drama on that set that I feel like it had kinda reached its end. Also with Marissa herself as a character, we had done a lot of storylines with her... and that felt like it was doing the character justice," she said. "But I do understand people wanting her to maybe come back and be raised from the dead so that she could be back up to her old antics. In that sense, like, I can relate to people's like need for that. I get it."
As for that on-set drama she alluded to, none of that happened at the beginning of the show.
"We were having so much fun. I mean we really were. The beginning of that show was super easy," Barton recalled. "The ends of all those shows is where it gets complicated. The beginning was fun and free and carefree and I was new to Hollywood."
"I just didn't know much. I literally left high school and came straight to California and was cast in that role. I had to fight really hard for it too," she continued. "It was an interesting time and place in pop culture. It was a good time."
According to Barton, the atmosphere on set eventually changed because "there was some dating going on, and everybody was young and newly famous, and there was a lot of different storylines to fulfill there too."
"I think bizarrely sets have a lot of drama, especially those big TV shows... There's always gonna be stuff going on. That's just the way it is. People date, people have their own things in their lives going on, and you try not to bring that baggage to set and you try to leave it behind. But that doesn't always work," she said. "You could definitely write a show about the making of the show. That would be plenty entertaining."
In addition to on-set drama, as Barton's time on the show came to a close, her fame had, and continues to have, consequences on her mental health.
"I've spoken before about feeling really detached and [about] what fame did to me in my 20s and feeling really agoraphobic about things," she said. "It caused some depression and some anxiety and things like that. I've dealt with that my whole life. I like to be quite open about it."
"I do a lot of work with people. I talk to a PTSD counselor. I talk to a lot of people about this kind of stuff," she continued. "I think it's all about being honest about the way that you feel about things. That's how you heal. When you're trying to hide things, it gets worse."
She mentions the dating thing twice in this interview. I'm assuming she's on about Adam Brody and Rachel Bilson (Seth and Summer) who both dates and broke up whilst being on set during the filming of The OC.
It's also a shame for she mentions that being on the OC caused a PTSD and depression. Really crazy considering the thing that 'made' you caused so many issues for your mental health also.
Thoughts?
submitted by ThisIsWhatLifeIs to TheOC [link] [comments]


2020.07.28 09:27 Lordd_Humungous Im only a teenager but in already fucked for life

I’m currently 19 and though some of you will say I’m still young, I think I’ve been around long enough to tell that I have nothing really going for me.
I’m a schizoid. I don’t feel emotions except frustration sometimes and dislike being around people (I do not maintain any relationships outside of immediate family). I have been on one date and it was painful. Even though he was absolutely beautiful and we had some similar interests I wanted to bail the whole time and i cut off all connections on my way home. I only saw him as a sexual object and knew I couldn’t bother to actually talk with him (and at the time I was in a rough place health wise and was essentially asexual)
My only job experience was first at a one day a week janitor gig where the owner of the business was friends with my mom (I barely worked and just slacked off on my phone all the time) and a convenient store job where I hated every second of it, broke the rules constantly, and did an awful job (was threatened with being fired just before I quit). I also can’t even drive because I just don’t have the mental capacity to keep up with all the rules and know what to do I’m almost any situation. These shortcomings are also why I can’t go to college. I may legitimately be mentally impaired.
So here I am. No friends, no real reason to live, I’ve gained close to 70 pounds this year alone so I’m now overweight, and I only leave my room once a day to get food from the fridge. My parents aren’t happy with me and we’ve talked about getting me on disability so I can move out and be an agoraphobic somewhere else.
Its concerning to me that so many people are so far beyond me in success and maturity while I rot.
submitted by Lordd_Humungous to Schizoid [link] [comments]


2020.07.28 08:30 Lordd_Humungous I’m still a teenager but totally fucked for life

I’m currently 19 and though some of you will say I’m still young, I think I’ve been around long enough to tell that I have nothing really going for me.
I’m a schizoid. I don’t feel emotions except frustration sometimes and dislike being around people (I do not maintain any relationships outside of immediate family). I have been on one date and it was painful. Even though he was absolutely beautiful and we had some similar interests I wanted to bail the whole time and i cut off all connections on my way home. I only saw him as a sexual object and knew I couldn’t bother to actually talk with him (and at the time I was in a rough place health wise and was essentially asexual)
My only job experience was first at a one day a week janitor gig where the owner of the business was friends with my mom (I barely worked and just slacked off on my phone all the time) and a convenient store job where I hated every second of it, broke the rules constantly, and did an awful job (was threatened with being fired just before I quit). I also can’t even drive because I just don’t have the mental capacity to keep up with all the rules and know what to do I’m almost any situation. These shortcomings are also why I can’t go to college. I may legitimately be mentally impaired.
So here I am. No friends, no real reason to live, I’ve gained close to 70 pounds this year alone so I’m now overweight, and I only leave my room once a day to get food from the fridge. My parents aren’t happy with me and we’ve talked about getting me on disability so I can move out and be an agoraphobic somewhere else.
Its concerning to me that so many people are so far beyond me in success and maturity while I rot.
submitted by Lordd_Humungous to NEET [link] [comments]


2020.07.23 13:01 NibAttackArt Do you feel like you're constantly waiting for cis people to be transphobic?

TLDR at bottom

Okay so this happened a few weeks ago but I kinda can't stop thinking about it. So I recently came out as FTM to like everyone. It wasn't that big of deal because I was already out as nonbinary to most everyone and didn't feel like making it a whole big ordeal but some people who did find out was my bfs family. They have been treating me like shit for years. Not all of them (mostly extended family was nice) but the closest ones to my bf (mom, brother, dad ect) kinda treated me like woman lite or like "confused idiotic millennial" and none of them used the right pronouns (they didn't know my deadname so they had no choice but to call me my name lmao). So when I came out as a man I was expecting more of the same but I didn't get that.
They all treated me like a legitimate man and like even outted me to people i didn't want to know or wasn't comfortable with knowing (like his grandma who I didn't really care about knowing but like if someones gonna out me I at least want to know before hand). My bf came home to tell me about it kinda excited because his family in his eyes was finally starting to "get it" and treat me like a person. I got like uncomfortably angry though.
In my eyes they hadn't changed at all in the past 5 years we've been dating. My identity changed (due to hormones mostly) and that made me more "acceptable" in their eyes and they legitimatized my identity because that was finally "real" to them. It would be like if I were bisexual and encountered tons of biphobia and then later figured out I was gay and immediately got accepted no questions asked in my mind. It also didn't undo the years of hurt and damage to our relationships that they did by misgendering me often times to my face. So I told my boyfriend this and he got like? mildly annoyed/upset with my reaction because it seemed like to him that I was unable to move past their past transgressions and see the silver lining. He understood why I was upset and even agreed with me but thought it might help me feel better because I wouldn't have to deal with the same bullshit anymore and could relax a little even if the past hadn't been the best. Now I'm just going to move past the obvious bit that if you're transphobic to some of us you're transphobic to all of us I won't be gentrified into cis society by stepping on the backs and shoulders of my siblings no thank you but thats a whole other post and not part of the story.
I didn't really know how to rectify this with him but concluded that I didn't feel comfortable around them and didn't trust them not to be transphobic because they had been transphobic in the past. I didn't trust them enough to feel good about them or let my guard down. They hadn't earned "hopeful" as an emotion to me. To me it felt like those incels that post on 4chan about how they hated women and themselves but then they got pet shrimp or whatever that made them pull themselves out of depression and learn how to start taking care of themselves to care for others. Like sure its sweet but DO YOU STILL HATE WOMEN???? Like I don't care that his family is being nice now bc I have changed like ok BUT DO YOU STILL THINK I WAS FAKING THE LAST 5 YEARS??? DO YOU THINK I WAS CONFUSED BECAUSE I WASNT??? I lived my life as a woman than as a transmasc nonbinary person and now as a man. I was legitimate in all of those identities I didn't feel confused that's who I was and I deserved respect and humanity at every step.

To me I don't trust cis people enough to not be transphobic and constantly feel on guard with everyone I interact with that hasn't explicitly come out as trans friendly and continued to show that through actions and not just words. I'm constantly waiting for someone to attack me or disappoint me because of my identity because it happens literally every day. I'm literally falling back into agoraphobic patterns because being by myself alone and sometimes on the internet is safer than interacting with the midwestern public I live in. (I mean like precovid I haven't left the house in 4 months regardless of desire)
He said to that that he was really upset by that and that it was an unhealthy outlook on life. That I should try not to feel that way and essentially give people the benefit of the doubt. To try to "move on" (this sounds bad but bc of PTSD its actually something ive been trying to work on and failing. I don't think he was trying to de-legitimize my feelings just recognized that I would be happier if I was able to move past past transgressions and trying to have an ok relationship with people we'll be moving away from soon.) I shrugged at him and I said I know at least a few other people like that and it comes along with being trans and probably also comes along with having PTSD. I forget how things ended but we eventually moved on but I can't stop thinking about it.

Does anyone else feel like they're baiting their breath around cis people to inevitably disappoint them with transphobic bullshit? Do you feel like no matter how much you trust someone if they're cis or you live in a certain area none of that preestablished relationship truly matters on a deep sense because you're just baiting your breath for the needle to drop? How do you cope with it? Its exhausting to be literally on guard 24/7 and i feel like I can't connect with other people truly because I'm constantly waiting for uninformed bullshit to come out of their mouth.
TLDR: Do you expect cis people to be transphobic until otherwise proven? Do you not trust cis people to not have changes of heart and stop being transphobic after transphobia has already been displayed in the past? How do you cope with any of it if yes? Are there ways to move past it so you can connect with other people? Are there any ways that have helped you heal realtionships with people who have been previously transphobic but haven't apologized but seem to treat you as human now?
EDIT: all of the people randomly downvoting this post and comments in this post who I presume to be angry cis people that are upset trans people can't/wont trust them outright or allow them to "grow" past their bigotry need to actually comment you're position because its actually cowardly to just randomly downvote trans people in a trans sub for other trans people. Thats 100% what I'm thinking is happening and we need spaces to talk about cis behavior without randos getting pissy. We don't have to like or trust cis people get over it.
submitted by NibAttackArt to asktransgender [link] [comments]


2020.07.21 23:29 Nayr1230 An itemized list of every abusive thing my family ever did to me

I was talking to my eDad recently and he really tried to rewrite history and say that he and nMom never did anything intentionally to hurt me and they “did the best they could,” so to remember that he’s a liar covering for his wife so I don’t get sucked in again I thought I would write out everything so I don’t second guess myself. Feel free to use to post to write out your stuff if you feel it will help you:
*After my grandfather passed, knowing that my brother and I would be going through his home and getting everything settled, she had planted a will in the event of her death (he was in his 80s, how was she going to die before him?) basically saying my brother and I were pieces of shit for not having relationships with her, and if she could go back she wouldn’t have had kids at all. My letter was 4-5 pages saying I was the worst child, and my brother got a 7 page letter.
*She got out a credit card in my name after I moved away from my hometown because she was angry that I left and charged it up to the tune of $3000 dollars. She used the card for months to buy bullshit items, didn’t tell me about it, and when I found it on my credit report told me that she was using it to pay my student loans for me. When I explained that was just moving debt around and was still fraud, she implied that she was going to hurt my dad if I tried to say something to him or the federal government or pressed charges. Dad also got mad when I told him that she needed to pay off the card or I would press charges (he was upset at this as a POLICE OFFICER)
*Kicked my older brother out when he was 15 because he “disobeyed her rules.” He stayed up late on the phone with his girlfriend, and Mom argued that he was keeping me awake because we shared a bedroom. Their screaming match for the next three hours also kept me awake. After kicking him out, she refused to let him transfer schools to the city he was living in with my grandparents, and refused to let him get a job in that city too, making him drive back and forth, and refused to grant official guardianship to our grandparents when they asked. This lead me feeling like I had to be perfect and make no mistakes all the time (she did threaten it once when I was 15-16).
*When I graduated high school, I received gifts, mostly cash, from relatives and family friends. I want to say it totaled at least $5000. I was on the fence about going to school still, but in a mature move I wanted to buy another used car (the one I had at the time the transmission was starting to go out) and then keep the rest in savings in case I decided to go to school. After buying my car, every week or so mom would come and borrow money, usually a hundred dollars or so, and promise to pay me back. By the end of the summer that $2000 was gone and I didn’t have anything. When I asked her about paying me back, the first time she told me she already had paid me back (she hadn’t), and the second time I asked she said “I put food on the table, clothes on your back, make sure you have whatever you want for 18 years and you’re hounding me for a couple hundred dollars?!” So I figured I should drop it.
*in elementary school, I was in the age group where Pokémon was the new thing. You either hated it or were one of the “nerds” who loved it, and I loved it. I attribute my love of reading through school to Pokémon because the games required you to have to read, comprehend and remember what was happening. Well, mom didn’t like Pokémon, and one day handed me a book that was obviously marketed to adults about how “Pokémon, Harry Potter, and other popular media was designed to steer children over to Satanism.” I still liked Pokémon afterwards, but I had to convince my dad to buy it for me a lot of the time, and I had to hear lectures about how it was of the devil and that I understood that it wasn’t real and if anyone asked me to praise Satan I would immediately stop playing.
*When I was 13, I got involved in this web forum where I participated in written RPGs with varying settings and plots and characters. I loved it, I regularly talked to friends, got to write and be creative and come up with my own worlds and characters because I wanted to be a writer someday. One day my Nmom logged into my account and read some of what I wrote and told me that writers don’t make money, and that what I had written was nice just for fun but I was never going to be book quality. I felt betrayed because I had never asked her to read what I had written, and she logged in without my permission and looked through my stuff and gave me an opinion unprompted. When I later told her I was going to school for creative writing as an adult, she told me “Well, some people might need to go to school to get a degree, others are natural writers” referencing the fact that she wrote two chapters for some crackpot religious novel.
*She was agoraphobic and had “anxiety” when it conveniences her. I couldn’t have friends over because she was too “scared” to go take them home or bring them over, too scared of having the house get messy so I would have to promise to clean the whole house before and afterwards and still sometimes be told at the end that, no, she had changed her mind and they couldn’t come over. She also didn’t like any of my friends, and would try to make me be friends with her Bible study mom’s kids who were honestly worse than the friends that I made on my own.
*my senior year she scheduled her hysterectomy during the week my high school theater class’s performance during competition week. Her reasoning? “You’re not in the play so it’s not like I need to see it,” even though I was the Stage Manager and her hysterectomy was non-emergent.
*Following that, she was supposed to be on bed rest for four weeks, and start to slowly start pushing herself back to normal two weeks after that. Instead, she remained on bed rest for three months from May to August, making me do grocery shopping for her, cleaning for her, picking up after her, cooking for her, etc. I did all this without a single thank you from her, putting my life on hold for her, cancelling plans for her. My dad got her a puppy in July to keep her company and got no less than 13 thank yous in the hour following the puppy coming into our house.
*When I came out to her (really I was forced out of the closet; long story short, someone wrote a ransom-style letter saying me and my then-boyfriend now-husband had ran to New Mexico to get married, we had gone to see a concert, not the point, Mom was threatening legal action so I came out to her to stop her) she and my dad were terrible. They were saying I was going against god, going to hell, that they didn’t know if they could still love me, etc. I said, fine, I was prepared for this fact. Later after I’ve moved she emails me an article written by Lance Bass’s mom where his mother talks about coming to terms with his sexuality, and my mom captioned it “I feel your father and I were more supportive of you than this, don’t you think?” No, I don’t think so.
*At my husband’s urging when we got married, he said I should invite my parents because I would feel guilty if I didn’t and they found out later. I told them the date and the time weeks in advance, and we would be having dinner afterwards. She demands we change the date and the time. I said no, we’re firm on the date because my soon-to-be SIL is officiating for us and we have to accommodate her schedule, because, you know, we needed her to be there. She said she was too anxious to drive at night, but that she and my dad would come that morning. I thought “fine, at least they’ll get to see me.” They spent the whole day complaining about the city we lived in, complaining about our jobs, our apartment. My husband and I were preparing the food we were going to make for dinner and they complained about how we were preparing it EVEN THOUGH THEY WEREN’T GOING TO BE STAYING TO EAT IT. When my husband’s mother and younger sisters arrived, my mother tried to rush them into getting ready after being on the road for seven hours because she had decided to stay suddenly and hadn’t communicated that to her own son. When Amy husband’s oldest sister arrived to officiate, she made us rush through the ceremony in five minutes, barely let us take pictures, didn’t let us take vows, and didn’t let us kiss in front of her. The next morning she called to tell me how rude it was that we didn’t offer for them to stay in our apartment with us overnight—yes, the same apartment they complained about.
*When my grandfather died, my mother and father mistakenly believed that my father was the executor of the will, but my grandfather had named my brother. So when we go to his house to start going through things my mother is pointing out things she’s getting rid of, asking me if I want this or that—keep in mind the man hasn’t even been BURIED yet and she’s saying this—and I say “Mom, I don’t feel comfortable going through his belongings when he just passed yesterday, I’m not thinking about that.” And she replies “No, it’s okay, I’m your mother.” Like it excuses her behavior lol. So we’re all going through my grandfather’s paperwork, looking for life insurance policies and other documentation to help settle the estate, and my dad literally jumps. With. Glee. When he finds a life insurance policy made out to him. Shortly afterwards they found the current version of the will that listed my brother as the executor. My mother literally dropped the stuff in her hands on the floor and walked out of the house.
*When I was 6, I got out of school before my parents were off work, so they asked if a family friend who had a young son of her own would babysit me. The family friend had a son a year older than me, a daughter about 10-11, and a son who was 16. The 16-year old son sexually abused me for half a year before I said something, though I don’t remember the specifics of what happened exactly. I had an upwelling of emotions so tried to reach out when I was NC to get information. She told me she had nothing to say about it except that the assault had probably led to me being gay, but that she didn’t have any answers to give me and didn’t want to.
Will add more to this as I remember more, but feel free to add your own instances if it helps you.
Edit: changed the formatting so it was easier to read.
submitted by Nayr1230 to LifeAfterNarcissism [link] [comments]


2020.07.16 14:56 REALCellWaters Some Posts (07 16 2020)

Post 01:
I want to know the truth.
Is a rockstar my biological father?
Is a pop superstar madly in love with me?
I daydream, but that's all it is... Delusional daydreams.
I need to accept my daydreams aren't real.

Post 02:
I'm more talented, smarter, took greater risks than most artists ever have. I worked so hard. I really deserve to be rewarded... Like now. If there is a magical savior, guardian angel out there, hit the start button on the fun. It's time.

Post 03:
Although it might be funny if Syd Barrett is my biological father, down deep, I want it to be my dad (Bob K). I want my friends to like me for me, I want to think I earned success myself. Basically, I hope my entire existence wasn't one big lie.

Post 04:
I look at posts dated years ago, which may or may not be about me. It can be spooky.
I saw posts in the present, then go back years later, reread them with a new leash on life, having evolved, and think wow I was asleep.
They can ALMOST predict the future. Though, no one can.

Post 05:
I know time travel doesn't exist. But seeing something from 2008 that you finally understand in 2020, but you can't talk to that person anymore. It's surreal and spooky. Time keeps ticking. Someday, someone might be creeped out by my old social media posts when I'm long gone.

Post 06:
Remember the future is unforeseeable. You can plan. But something can happen that changes everything TODAY. This is why don't wait and plan... Enough is enough. Hit the start button on the fun imaginary friends. If not now, it may be never. I'm assuming there's someone out there.

Post 07:
The "rust" on the fence has gotten bigger. It looks like someone is smearing blood, though, my mom says it's rust. It looks like hand prints, fingerprints. I think someone is nefariously trying to poison me with HIV. But it's probably the same delusional panic attack again.

Post 08:
If I really think about it, even if a psychopath did want to poison me with HIV... the smear blood on my fence plan doesn't make sense. It's like Dr. Evil from Austin Powers. We're going to put him in an easily escapable situation and hope everything goes to plan.

Post 09:
Assuming I'm delusional that I'm going to become rich and famous soon. What would a psychopaths motivation be for smearing HIV blood on my fence anyway? That I'm wholesome, kind, and shine brightly. Evil people hate good vibrations? Jealousy? There's no money in it for them.

Post 10:
There's truth to people can see you shine brightly, sense the good vibrations, and bully you because they're jealous. Sometimes it's evil kids in middle school, or a sketchy criminal at the train station, or an angry waiter at a restaurant. I want to be safe and sound, no bullies.

Post 11:
I was a happy kid. A little anxious. I had good vibrations, shined brightly, and sadistic bullies in middle school intensified my fear of the world. I became agoraphobic and socially anxious because of them. I felt damaged and developed mental illness. Now I want to hide.

Post 12:
According to my doctor, because of what I went through in middle school, I think everyone in the real world is a SADISTIC MONSTER. The bullies terrified and traumatized me. Unfortunately, the world isn't as scary as I think. I wasted so much time hiding from it in daydream land.

Post 13:
I guess my school district educated me. But the the biggest thing it gave me was childhood trauma and severe mental illness. I'm a 32 year old, dependent manchild, who's terrified of the real world. So I live in delusional daydreams on the internet.
submitted by REALCellWaters to cellwaters [link] [comments]


2020.07.16 01:36 newage666 Should I go back to college after dropping out? I need to get my life back on track.

I wanted advice because I want to get my life together again, the past three years my life has been in pieces. I will explain the situation briefly, so someone can maybe advice me on the best way to go, I would really appreciate some opinions. In 2016 I completed a course to get into university as a mature student, I was 24. I had struggled with agoraphobia/ social anxiety since a teenager and got by doing different minimum wage jobs off and on until then.I never had a healthy self esteem or confidence because of bullying and dysfunctional family and so the relationship I was in meant everything to me. I was motivated to go to college because I saw how the person I was with since 19 had got their degree and how confident and together their life was, I wanted something similar for myself.
I still had panic attacks/ anxiety etc...through the access course, and it wasn't easy but steamed through because I was determined and had willpower to better my life. I got into a college course and was so happy my life was going to improve once I kept steaming ahead. I felt proud of myself for the first time ever. Low and behold the person I cared for so much and loved with all my heart who I was with for near 6 years told me they were leaving the country for good, they won't be returning and it's upto me if I want to leave my degree course and go with them. I was devastated. I had supported them through four years of a degree paying for all our social life through money I had earned on minimum wage and gave everything to the relationship and here I was trying to better myself and they decide to up and leave when my degree was just beginning. I truly believed they cared about me and wanted to support me through it, like I did them. I said no I will finish my degree, in the back of my mind I was hoping they would see my determination and wait a few years before moving.
Instead they said they had found someone that suited them better, that they will leave the country with them in a few months and I found out they had been seeing them for months behind my back. I went to pieces. My whole world turned upside down in a matter of seconds. I kept telling myself I can do this, I can study and attend the classes etc...I lost all interest in life and became extremely withdrawn. All my willpower and fight to keep going was gone. I tried SSRIs to get me going again and nothing worked, I dropped out and cried for months and months and months. I didnt recognize myself anymore. I ended up saying enough, I went back to University with my best intentions, but my panic attacks were through the roof, I was a nervous wreck, before I was able to handle my anxiety, but it was overpowering me, I felt traumatized. Two of my close family members passed away, I felt life was too much for me to handle. I ended up seeing a counsellor and she told me why dont you go do something fun, and leave college you dont need it, your young. I ended up dropping out again. I had all these intentions to do something different with my life and pick myself up, but I just gave up, and sank into a depressive agoraphobic state. It was really devastating to me how my life was and I had no will to change it. I felt so ashamed and guilty of myself. It's been a road of trying to stop hating myself and blaming myself and extremely lonely, but somewhere I know I deserve to live a better life, and only I can make it happen.
Here I am now, I still have anxiety and dont like going out and being around people but I can handle it, I have become a good bit stronger, I realized making my whole life revolve around one person and putting everything into that relationship, and making it the centre of my world was what caused my life to spin out of control, and realized there are changes I need to make. I am still working on them and I want to have a go at life again, but the last thing I need is to go into something and give up again, because it destoryed my confidence, and I can't do that again. I have been looking into ways I can get my life back on track again. I was looking at different courses and jobs, it was stressing me out because they all require upto date references, I have none. I was looking at different options that dont need references, that would be short courses, I was thinking if I did one or two I could get references. I contacted the university I was in before and they said I could go back, in january 2021, I actually assumed they would tell me I can't, because of how much I have messed them around, with all my problems. I was wondering if you think this is the best option? Im at the age now where I need to be thinking of career options and I was thinking of becoming a counselor but maybe now isnt the time, I am not really in a good position to be doing an interview and I dont have the references. Do you think my best option is to go and finish the general degree? What would you do if you were in my position? Thanks for taking the time to read this.
submitted by newage666 to Advice [link] [comments]


2020.07.14 10:18 SnowyOfIceclan Unsure if depression or being a waste of life is ruining everything I touch

Warning: VERY long post
I'm a "high-functiong" autistic with inattentive ADD, long-term depression, anxiety issues and a predisposition to mood disorders in general. I'm almost 30F, and to date have been nothing more than a waste.
I struggled in high school with not fitting in anywhere, basically being a shadow being in my multiple peer groups. I didn't really fit in with the handicaps, the popular squad, the nerds and weirdos, or even the music group. I learned to play guitar, began composing and writing my own music at 16. Got into digital art and photoediting around then too, after 2 years of being a shutterbug. Changed my dream job around 10x between grade 10 and 12, ruining my GPA with courses I wouldn't end up needing for the path I landed on.
In grade 11, i failed math. Had to credit recover it, and opted to also take summer school to try to bolster the now-passing grade... and if summer school could lower your grade, I would've undone the hard work I put into credit recovery. I discovered a passion for writing over that summer, and started writing a book. (I still have 3 notebooks of the book I had started writing, the characters are all still in my head, living their lives. Some happily married with thriving kids, others happy in other ways.) I narrowly graduated high school, with just barely passing grades in math, music, and english. To this day, I regret not just taking the english in summer school, so my morning could have been more interesting classes, and freeing up my second semester afternoon to be in the house building course.
In grade 12, i had a LDR with an Oregon boy. It was rocky, but I felt loved. He felt genuine remorse when we had to break up (life circumstances meant things couldn't work out. Years later, he would message me out of the blue to apologize for being an arse, and try to mend the friendship), and shortly after that I began dating a narcissist.
6 months in, he would come to visit me in college, I would fly to his country the next summer, and everything would fall apart before we even hit the 2 year mark. While in his country, I thought I was happy. I got to experience a new culture, meet new people (two of which I'm still friends with!), enjoy sunny beaches, and overall had a fun essentially vacation. Thoughts of marriage crossed our minds before being around me irl made it very obvious I wasn't the perfect neurotypical he thought I was. His aunt clued me to the fact I might actually be on the spectrum... and I would commence extensive research on Aspergers, utilizing the library bookmobile that would be in town once a week. I'd walk the dogs as an excuse to go, read a lot, check out thrift shops, and socialize the chickens. We grew more and more distant, to the point he got jealous of my friendship with the boy his sister friendzoned. Ultimately, the relationship fell apart, I was heartbroken and traumatized, blah blah blah.
...this is where the mood disorder problems come in. Coming back to Canada, I was heartbroken, deoressed, and didn't give myself time to recover and make sense of everything. I ended up pushing him away further with my depression, and my sudden "happiness" in a new relationship. In hindsight, I may have been slightly manic or hysterical, jumping right into a new relationship shortly before he would do the same. It was in this time period that my now-fiance and I would go from friends to... well, more than that. I had formed an emotional attachment to my FWB, while also developing feelings for a 16 year old on the other side of the country... when I was 20.
Shortly after he turned 18, I visited his family for Christmas, and he "proposed" hours before I would hop on a greyhound And return to my crappy hometown. I would visit once more over spring break, before officially moving to his area, dropping out of my second change of major, resuming it one more year through online learning at another institution. After failing practicum 3 times, I realized I'm not cut out for early childhood teaching. I learned I'm great at one-on-one learning, but could never be an ECE. It was around this point, at 24, that I started to feel truly depressed.
By that point, i had exhausted all my educational funding. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, so remained in retail work. I maintained one consistent job, and lost 3 jobs before landing in the perfect retail position for me -- basically Ikea and BB&B's lovechild. I've now been at A for 6 years, and B for close to 4.
3 years ago, his mother came into money (briefly), and bought "us" a mobile home. The place is a trainwreck grade disaster. The kitchen sink cabinets are broken, mcguyvered together to not break. There's cracks and holes in the flimsy walls, floor over carpet in the living room, no screens in the windows. The ensuite bathroom has never worked properly, and you need to use the emergency water valve to shut on/off the shower in there. the toilet routinely plugs, and hasn't been used in months. At some point we just started using the other washroom, where the sink isn't connected but atleast the shower and toilet work almost properly.
i started seeing his therapist. the years of going to her only made things worse. i can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy. I'm not sure I ever actually knew what it was to be happy. to have a good mood.
Today, we ended up having another fight when he simply asked why I seemed to be in a bad mood. I had already started a suicide note last week, hidden in my important paperwork folder. hours in, I ended up snapping, leaving the house with the intent of making someone end my life. I wasn't even aware over an hour had passed out there. I cried really loudly beside the pond, wishing I had been aborted, cursing my parents for having me at all, etc.
my life is falling apart. I'm too pathetically weak and useless to go through with commiting suicide, much less succeed. therapy is a waste of time, medication won't help. I'm just wasting everyone's time existing and being worried over. I just... wish I wasn't a total waste. the house is a disaster, a testament to laziness, depression, and hoarding. my fiance deserves infinitely better than a depressed defective permanent five-year-old. He deserves someone who doesn't abuse him and make him feel horrible. He deserves someone who isn't defective, useless, derranged, broken. he deserves someone non-abusive, sane, smart, funny. someone who is beautiful inside an out, that can make him happy all the time, clearly respect him/his thoughts/feelings/emotions. someone who can help him navigate his anxious, depressed, agoraphobic OCD and PTSD. He's suffered more than enough abuse before dating an abusive psycho. At this point... I don't know if I should try to fix things, or if I should let him move on and try to find the right person...
submitted by SnowyOfIceclan to depression [link] [comments]


2020.07.08 21:24 ghost_cookie List of Reasons Why I (31F) Can't Stand My Roommate (35M)

Background: 3 b2 bath bungalow in Los Angeles. I found it. I put the deposit down. I am the only one on the lease. All furniture in all rooms besides roommates' belong to me. All bills are in my name. I asked BR to move into one of the rooms about a year ago. Other roommate is a germaphobe + agoraphobe who keeps literally everything they own in their room (dishes included) and rarely leaves their room except for bathroom breaks and to leave the house. Was co-workers with BR before the quarantine.
Inhale. Exhale. Here we go.
  1. Habitually leaves things where they don't belong. If a towel is folded up, he will use it and leave it moist and toss it aside for someone else to discover. I had to take away (confiscate...like I'm parenting a child) the paper towels because he used SO. FUCKING. MANY. and never brought any home. He would leave piles of them SOAKING WET and crumpled up on the counter. He will move my hammock from the lawn to do a workout and then leave it wherever he dragged it: middle of the walkway usually. The cleaning appliances all have a place but he will just leave the broom or the mop or the stool wherever. Close enough right?
  2. Has no idea how to adult: I once heard him ask our other roommate HOW TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING. I'll let you go back and look at how old he is again.
  3. When Los Angeles established its eviction moratorium, he assumed that meant that he didn't have to pay rent even though he has a job. I saw the panic in his eyes when I explained to him that's not what that means; you still have to pay rent.
  4. He is racist. He talks about not liking someone and then mentioning their race like it's a part of the reason. When I asked him once what race had anything to do with it, he was dismissive. He also has openly said he will not date dark girls.
  5. He has no respect for other people's boundaries or personal situations and is completely selfish. He invites himself to things, into conversations, into other's personal interests. If you're going somewhere, he will find a way to suggest he be a part of it.
  6. If he doesn't know what to say, he just makes a dick joke, which I learned the hard way when I invited him to my birthday party last year consisting of all of my close friends.
  7. Gets mad when I rearrange the furniture (that I bought) or buy new furniture, even though he hasn't provided literally anything (appliances, cleaning supplies, trash cans, dishes etc) for the house.
  8. Lets his dog out in the morning and leaves her shit to collect smells and flies in the sideyard for days on end.
  9. You know that scene in 6th Sense where all the cupboard doors are open? That's what it looks like when he cooks.
  10. Speaking of cooking, he cooks everything at such high heat that there is no doubt the fire alarm will go off every single time he cooks. It happened so often in fact that the fire alarm is now hanging by wires from the ceiling from him having to jump up and down so much to turn it off (there is a stool next to where this is located). And of course, the dishes are always greasy. In fact, one time I pulled out a tray from the oven to use it and it was icky. When I texted him about it, he said, "Yeah I saw that idk." So not only did he know, and see, but he elected to leave it for someone else.
  11. He has no friends. Which is a problem because then he tries too hard to talk to me. I'm an introvert. I want to be left alone. Especially when I have my airpods in. So don't tap my shoulder while I'm obviously in the middle of a call to tell me you thought of what a drink tasted like. It's not important. Leave me the fuck alone. Respect my time and my space.
  12. If it's not about him, he doesn't care. He comes out and just starts talking. About himself. Usually complaining. It's exhausting. Never asks about how anyone else is doing at all.
  13. He has lost his keys, wallet, and phone multiple times since moving into his house at the inconvenience of other people: ie leaving his keys in someone's car in a city 30 miles away, causing them to make a double trip alone.
  14. He has gone through roughly 8-10 girls since we moved in sometimes several at once. They all eventually leave. I wonder why.
  15. He gets really emotional and intense and pushes it onto the people around him, expecting all attention and all emotions to be on him. I've just started ignoring him.
  16. He smells. His room smells like dog. His car smells like bong water (he brings his 1ft tall glass bong wherever he goes). He claims he can't smell because of how much weed he smokes. For the record: I'm a huge pothead. That's not an excuse.
  17. Looks down on me for being bi-polar and has said to his other roommate that he expects bad behaviors out of me due to my mental illness, claiming to dictate when I am and am not manic. I've been diagnosed with this for over half my life. I have a full-time job in the film industry with benefits and do volunteer work with a non-profit in my free time while being in a healthy adult relationship for almost a year, a solid group of extremely close friends who helped me through alcoholism and cancer, and a beautiful house in Los Angeles that I take care of single-handedly. I'm proud of myself and he uses me, my success, and my money whilst simultaneously criticizing me for something that I was born with and have completely under control. Fuck you.
  18. He treats women like shit. Sleeping around is one thing (whatever, you're an adult) but if someone he's with does something he disagrees with he BLOWS UP. His ex got a tattoo and wouldn't shut up about how "trashy" and "shitty" and "ugly" it made her. She broke up with him.
  19. He is (ironically) constantly manic. His energy is chaotic and emotional. He assumes that whoever he lives with is his family. I had to firmly yet kindly tell him that this is not the case and that we are adult roommates and need to treat each other as such. He cried.
  20. When I asked him if he could stay with the girls instead of bringing them here, exposing his two other roommates to strangers, he responded with "I don't want to."
  21. Then on top of all that, tries to be weirdly friendly by telling me how long we've been living together and asking me when my birthday is (months from now).
He's two-faced, selfish, insecure, immature, helpless, and intrusive and I'm literally just waiting on him to hit rock bottom so he can move out and I can get on with my peaceful, successful, happy life.
FUCK.
....thank you for coming to my ted talk.
submitted by ghost_cookie to badroommates [link] [comments]


2020.07.07 12:48 catchitmike Undiagnosed Autistic having lightbulb moments galore here...

... hi. I’m asking the internet for advice please. I’m a child type woman in her 40’s who very recently is beginning to realise that autism is what I have. Ive been living with the diagnosis of Social Anxiety disorder with depression and agoraphobic tendencies, for all of my adult life. And going through all of the associated meds and therapies with little results. What has helped me somewhat, to function in the world has been benzodiazepines. I’m currently just over half-way through a (nother) Valium taper, which is exacerbating all of the symptoms. I feel I need to be assessed and diagnosed. I’m ‘high-functioning’ in that I was above average academically and insightful. But the social aspect of the world leaves me dumbfounded. I’m more or less totally socially isolated, living alone with my two cats. I’m struggling to trust those few people who I have in my life (my mother and a couple of friends). Btw; I can’t be with even these people at the moment not unless I have alcohol in my system. I’ve been reading lots about Austin and Asperger syndrome and consequently having lots of light bulb moments where; oh my word, all of my life is beginning to make more sense. I’m in the UK, and yesterday rang up an NHS autism assessment / diagnosis centre locally. I have the form to complete, as soon as my brain allows me some clarity to do that. I’m scared and relieved by the thought of being assessed. Hopeful though, that I may be offered support and help tailored to me rather than an out-dated diagnosis I received in the late 90’s. My main question right now is, do I make the centre aware that I’m in withdrawal from Valium ? The obvious answer is yes, or I’ll not be assessed properly. But, I’m also aware of something a key worker at a local drug and alcohol centre told me about his journey. He told me that when he was in the process of coming off benzodiazepines, he lied to assessment services in order to get the urgent support he needed. Or he thought he needed. I’m not a big fan of lying. And wish to be as transparent as I can. However, I’m also suffering in silence alone and feel I need to communicate with someone who has experience of the autistic spectrum and how to begin to manage my brain and behaviour. This is the first time I’ve talked about autism. What do you guys feel is the best course of action?
Thank you !
submitted by catchitmike to AutisticAdults [link] [comments]


2020.07.06 22:02 regismon Soul crushing loneliness - how to treat?

My earliest recollections of feeling this was when I was a child I'd sometimes start spontaneously crying for my mother in class. It only happened a few times, (once in each grade growing up - likely near the start of the year) and I suppose I eventually made friends (it didn't happen fast) and realized I'd see my family when I got home.
Fast forward to the present, it's INCREDIBLY difficult for me to leave the house (as in, move out, sorry, not agoraphobic). I'm 28, and I just moved out and I want to go right back to my mother. My mental health does suffer on my period, but I'm getting over that and can barely move forward. COVID shutting off many avenues to meet people surely isn't helping, but I had this problem in college too and I could have met more people then. Once I get like this, I have a hard time going out and meeting people too since I am so badly in need of comfort and "a place that *feels* like home."
Is there a name for this? (Is it just some subset of depression? I've been crying for over a week now and been unable to eat much.) I look like a normal, well-adjusted adult until I get an anxiety attack at the fear of online dating or leaving my mother's house.
submitted by regismon to mentalhealth [link] [comments]


2020.07.03 17:55 BastardOfTheUniverse Ex has fallen into mental issues, obsessively making false claims about me.

(Note: I'm going to give a lot of detail about what appears to be a severe mental issue in someone else, my goal is that hopefully this will help guide any advice posted. I don't know, for example, if these are signs of something dangerous or if they're symptoms of something odd by benign.)
I (40m) dated a girl (currently 38f) about 10 years ago. We had a relatively normal relationship, though she was an agoraphobe. It never became an issue at the time, but is relevant now.
We broke up when she cheated, and for the most part it was a clean break. She still contacted me a couple times, and I wasn't against it - I knew I wouldn't fall into entering back into any sort of relationship with her so I was fine receiving occasional messages. That eventually tapered off, and I hadn't thought much about it until recently.
As I have come to find out now, she's been posting on social media about how I've supposedly set up speakers in her apartment to play sound files from Five Nights at Freddy's in order to make her crazy. (It's incredibly specific, and feels like I'm in a weird joke.) The reason being that I know she can't easily leave her home. I also apparently have cameras on her at all times, and I've stolen her life story and I do mocking impressions of her.
None of that is accurate, which I shouldn't have to explain - but this is Reddit so you never know.
When I heard about this and looked into her social media profiles to see for myself, I noticed that she's photoshopped all of her profile pictures to look skull-like. Widened forehead, elongated chin, sunken cheek bones, sunken eyes, etc.
That's where I've stopped digging. Currently, I'm in a relationship with someone else (35f) and when I mentioned this off-hand, she became quiet for a while, then started discussing distancing ourselves until my ex "calms down". Current GF thinks she's a prime target for any sort of weirdness or even violence. I'm not sure I can even disagree, as I have no idea what's going on. All I can presume at this point is the agoraphobia will likely prevent her from actually trying to find and come to me.
Further, it's clear I'm seen as an antagonist to my ex, so I think she just wants me to "leave her alone", though I'm not doing anything.
I've gotten advice to contact my ex directly and order her to stop, so I would make a paper trail in case I need to press charges for anything, but I feel like contacting her is going to confirm negative things in her mind.
I've thought about having a friend or authority figure contact her, but I don't know if that's good, either. I could try contacting her family, but she's disowned and cut herself off from them - presumably as part of the overall issue.
I can see how someone might ask "how is she able to survive with no support system", so I feel like I should mention she's posted about getting disability payments. I don't want that to become any kind of political argument, though.
Any ideas?
Right now, I'm defaulting to "do nothing and hope it blows over", but I'm concerned about other like-minded people in her social media circles buying into the idea that I'm sneaking into her house to put tape recorders in air vents. I don't know what, if anything, could possibly arise from that.
I'm not against my current GF distancing herself for safety reasons, and I totally understand her position. It hurts, but my feels don't trump hers. I also have no ill will toward my ex, and of course she should be getting help - I just don't want to make all of this worse for everyone, and so on.
submitted by BastardOfTheUniverse to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


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A Crucial Dating Guide For Those With Agoraphobia

  1. Dr. Phil Cries After Seeing Her... - YouTube
  2. JENNIFER ANISTON looks miffed when we see her smoking with ...
  3. Social Anxiety, Dating, And The Bar Scene
  4. THE DIFFICULTIES OF DATING WHEN AGORAPHOBIC...
  5. Jordan Peterson - Stop Hiding! You Are Stronger Than You ...
  6. I'm Agoraphobic
  7. Rent-a-sister: Coaxing Japan’s hikikomori men out of their ...
  8. MY MENTAL ILLNESS STORY : DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, AGORAPHOBIA
  9. 5 Misconceptions about Anxiety! Kati Morton - YouTube

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